


A MODERN KNIGHT 
OF THE CROSS 



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A Modern Knight 
of the Cross 



Extracts from the Writings of 

William Stockton Heacock 

COMPILED BY 

HIS PARENTS AND SISTER 



"Let no man despise thy youth." — I Tim. 4: 12 

" Thou therefore endure hardness as a good soldier 
of Jesus Christ" — 2 Tim. 2: 3 



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CINCINNATI: JENNINGS & PYE 
NEW YORK: EATON & MAINS 



NX.* 



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THE LIBRARY OF 

CONGRESS, 
Two Copies Received 

MAY. 8 1901 

Copyright entry 

CLASS d\*Xc. N*. 

COPY B. 



COPYRIGHT, I90I, BY 
THE WESTERN METH- 
ODIST BOOK CONCERN 



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PREFACE 

O just and faithful knight of God 

Ride on, the prize is near — 
So pass I hostel,, hall, and grange, 

By bridge and ford, by park and pale, 
All arm'd I ride, whate'er betide, 

Until I find the Holy Grail. 

— Tennyson. 

The following pages contain the simple 
narrative of conflict, endurance, victory. Like 
one of old, this knight could say: "I have 
fought a good fight; I have finished my 
course; I have kept the faith." The story 
of his life-struggle is told by extracts from 
his varied writings. Beginning at the age of 
seven, he kept an almost continuous diary 
until the close of his life, when nearly twenty- 
two. From the time his health began to 
fail, at seventeen, he spent much of the 
many weary months and years of absence 
from home, among strangers, amid adverse 
surroundings, in hope of recovery. During 
all this time his pen was busy with messages 

3 



4 PREFACE 

to the dear ones at home, correspondence for 
the press, and notes on his private studies. 
Lacking the helpful Christian companionship, 
so constantly craved, he found an outlet for 
his pent-up thoughts in long and frequent 
letters home. In these, his ready pen gives 
expression to all phases of his experience, 
battle with disease, mental and spiritual con- 
flicts, feelings of loneliness and depression, as 
well as the shout of joy and triumph. 

Though surrounded from childhood by 
Christian influences, powerful adverse asso- 
ciations at times threatened to destroy his re- 
ligious convictions. But kindly direction and 
firm control held him under proper self-re- 
straint until the period of reflection and 
deeper research after truth anchored him to 
the Rock of Ages. 

He planned and worked, hoped and prayed, 
as though threescore years were to be his, but 
faced the contingencies of life as though all 
might soon end. His fervent desire to be 
useful, and sincere devotion to his Master, in- 
tensified his efforts to regain his health. 



PREFACE 5 

However, obedience to the Divine will was 
implicit and unquestioned. His profound 
conviction that God had special work for him 
to do, and that his varied experiences were 
'but preparing him for such service, led his 
friends to believe that they were following 
providential leadings in thus perpetuating his 
influence through his writings. 

In his last days — shortly before his de- 
parture — when making his last bequests, he 
gave his sister his diaries and note-books to 
destroy, or keep as precious mementos, and 
do with them as she pleased. The veil is 
lifted from his inner life simply that his ex- 
periences may be helpful to others. 

That this volume may prove a blessing, and 
an inspiration to a deeper spiritual life to all 
who may read its pages, is the earnest wish 
and prayer of its compilers. 
San Francisco, California, 1901. 



INTRODUCTION 

All the world loves a child. It is not only 
beautiful and fresh, but also wide-visioned. 
It sees the unseen. The child-world is peo- 
pled with genii, elves, kobolds and fairies. 
The child lives among them, and is not afraid. 

This vision of the unseen makes youth 
easily religious. This does not narrow, but 
inestimably widens life. We admire breadth 
in a statesman, foresight in a business man, 
depth in a philosopher, insight in a political 
economist — why not the faculty that makes 
men endure as seeing Him that is invisible? 
That there is an invisible world of power, 
knowledge, will, love, more deep and wide 
than that which is seen, is incontestable. The 
visible world has not in itself that which is 
sufficient for its origin or continuance. Its 
powers and possibilities came out of the un- 
seen, and are constantly upheld by its word 

7 



8 INTRODUCTION 

of power. To see this world vividly, and feel 
it potentially, and be moved by it suasively, 
is the province of childhood and youth. 
Samuel differs from Esau as far as hunger for 
a mess of pottage differs from an appetite for 
spiritual realities. 

Some parents fear a too precocious de- 
velopment of piety, and others suspect its 
genuineness and permanency. There is no 
ground. Does a musician regret his child's 
being moved by a concord of sweet sounds? 
Does a painter dislike to see his child delight 
in colors? Does any one regret that his child 
peoples the unseen with life? Why regret 
that he peoples the unseen with God? 

We are apt to think that the Christ life 
in its infancy, development, and manhood was 
exceptional and anomalous. Alas ! it was too 
much so. But was it not meant to be an 
example of what should be possible and nor- 
mal under a union of humanity and Divinity? 
Christ says himself: "I have given you an ex- 
ample, that you should do as I have done to 
you." That was an example of a single act, 



INTRODUCTION 9 

truly; but in Peter ii, 21, we have his high- 
est deed given as our example: "Christ suf- 
fered for us, leaving us an example that we 
should follow his steps." We are exhorted 
to have the same mind that was in Christ 
Jesus. And in that connection is given a 
summary of his highest glory surrendered and 
deepest shame accepted, to show to what ex- 
tent we are to have the same mind. 

So any child-piety of our blessed Lord is 
not too much for any child. Any one can 
be about his Father's business. 

William Stockton Heacock was one who 
turned to the study of spiritual things as a 
scientist turns to the facts of the material 
world, as a legal mind turns to Montesquieu's 
V Esprit des Lois, as the artist to the prin- 
ciples of beauty, the musician to the laws of 
harmony. The laws of the spirit realm are 
as regular and exact as those of the mental 
or material realm. One may seek to find out 
and obey those of the one with as much en- 
thusiasm and delight as those of the other. 

Young Heacock found full play for all the 



IO INTRODUCTION 

exuberance of youth, for the devotion that 
works without thought of reward. He found 
perfect satisfaction of every faculty of his be- 
ing here, and perfect trust for the hereafter, 
to which he hastened, too early for us, but 
not too early for him. 

H. W. WARREN. 



NOTE 

To make intelligible some of the references 
in this book, it should be stated that the father 
of the author, the Rev. H. B. Heacock, D. D., 
was born in Ohio, educated in the Iowa Wes- 
leyan University, and in 1862 was married to 
Miss Maria A. Brown, a graduate of the same 
institution. He joined the Des Moines Con- 
ference in 1 86 1, and in 1868 was transferred 
to the California Conference, of which he has 
since been an active member. To Dr. and 
Mrs. Heacock were born nine children. One 
died soon after their removal to California. 
The other eight, with the parents, constituted 
the happy family until the spring of 1887, 
when the circle was broken by the death of 
a little daughter. Two months later a prom- 
ising son was taken. The next year two 
others passed away, and within the following 

three years two more joined the circle on the 

11 



12 NOTE 

other side. The author of these sketches, as 
will be seen from the dates appended, lin- 
gered until June, 1898. Dr. and Mrs. Hea- 
cock are still in the active service of the 
Church, and the one daughter remaining is 
devoting her life to the work of the Master. 



CONTENTS 

Page 

I. Character Sketch by F. F. Jewell, D. D. - 15 

II. Early Boyhood 21 

III. Eventful Epochs 36 

IV. Struggles for Health - - - - 53 
V. Notes by the Way 77 

VI. Extracts from Letters — Growth in Faith 94 

VII. Letters Continued — Self-revelations - - 108 

VIII. Letters Concluded — Loneliness, Conflicts, 

Victory 124 

IX. Some Phases of Religious Experience and 

Testimony --•*-..-- 150 

X. Divine Healing 162 

XI. Light on the Pathway - - - - 184 

XII. Final Triumph 204 

13 



A Modern Knight of the Cross 

CHAPTER I 

Character Sketch 

One small life in God's great plan, 

How futile it seems as the ages roll, 
Do what it may, or strive how it can, 

To alter the sweep of the infinite whole. 
But the pattern is rent where the stitch is lost, 
Or marred where the tangled threads have 

crossed, 
And each life that fails of its true intent 
Mars the perfect plan that its Master meant. 

— Susan Coolidge. 

William Stockton Heacock, youngest 
son of Rev. H. B. and M. A. Heacock, was 
born in Stockton, California, July 29, 1876. 
He was dedicated to God, as the baptismal 
seal was placed upon his brow by the hand 
of Bishop W. L. Harris at the Conference 
session which followed his birth. I remem- 

15 



1 6 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

ber him now as I knew him first, a sweet- 
faced child of three years, one of a group of 
seven children in the home of my presiding 
elder and his faithful wife in San Jose. In 
those early years it was manifest that the 
boy Willie was possessed of powers which 
absorbed with unusual readiness the varied 
lessons offered the opening mind. Sometimes 
the flash of his eyes seemed like the scin- 
tillations of an electric spark, and then would 
follow a penetrating, inquiring look, which, 
in turn, would dissolve into his own peculiar 
smile, which is easily remembered as a strik- 
ing feature of his winsome facial expression. 
His discerning, analytical mind mastered 
learning readily, and had not his health weak- 
ened, his scholarship would have reached the 
highest altitudes. He had been but a year 
and a half in the high school when failing 
health called a halt in his school life, but not 
in study, for he early discovered that his 
Creator had placed him in a great university 
with its limitless curriculum inviting to in- 
vestigation and achievement. When he was 



CHARACTER SKETCH I 7 

sixteen, a tour with his parents and sister, 
embracing the principal cities and shrines of 
our own land, including the Columbian Ex- 
position, afforded him an opportunity he 
gratefully seized and faithfully used. He 
leaves six large books of notes and descrip- 
tions of his year's travel, including that 
"World in miniature." 

His reading, though voluminous, was care- 
fully discriminated and w r ell chosen, having 
for its central orb the Heavenly Classic, en- 
abling him thus to stand on an intellectual 
and spiritual Pisgah, with the sweep of two 
worlds before his vision, and consequently 
realizing the superiority of the heavenly. He 
was but ten years old when he publicly con- 
fessed his faith in Christ and became a mem- 
ber of Grace Church, San Francisco, of which 
his father was the honored pastor. Eight 
years after his conversion, at an age when 
the feet of young Christians sometimes slip, 
he took a strong departure in the heavenly 
path. Again, as an honest seeker, he re- 
ceived an enduement of power, as the Holy 



1 8 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

Spirit came upon his consecrated soul, and 
his youthful feet struck the "highway of holi- 
ness, " and he henceforth walked with God. 

At this time he heard a voice calling him 
to yet another consecration, and in cheerful 
obedience he placed himself in God's hands 
for the work of the Christian ministry, should 
health and strength be given him. In spirit, 
purpose and consecration he was from that 
time dedicated to the work of the Christian 
ministry of his beloved Church, and cher- 
ished an ambition to bear forward in our Con- 
ference annals the name which the Confer- 
ence will ever remember and cherish with law- 
ful pride and grateful satisfaction. For four 
years he was much of the time away from 
home and loved ones, searching conditions 
which were favorable to his recovery, and 
everywhere, in a cabin or camp, among 
friends or enemies of the Christian faith, he 
was a consistent Christian young man, whose 
life and language exalted Christ and were an 
unchallenged and undoubted witness to a full 
salvation. 



CHARACTER SKETCH 1 9 

His utterances in correspondence and jour- 
nal entries are worthy of permanent form and 
of universal circulation among the youth of 
our congregations and Churches. He writes: 
"My physician assures me that I may not hope 
for recovery, and I am glad to know the truth. 
I am not cast down. My anchor holds to 
Christ Jesus as my salvation." Again he says : 
"My peace is constant, and my faith in God 
is perfect. My friends are awaiting me. My 
home is ready." In a communication to the 
Epworth League he wrote: "No discordant 
note mars the harmony of praise my soul 
would give Him who is my perfect Savior. 
Victory over fear and disappointment and 
death, with constant indwelling peace! O, 
the reality of the Christ life ! It is an inspira- 
tion which gives color to my whole being." 
We would like that the youth of California 
might have these thrilling shouts of joy which 
so richly abound in his journal and corre- 
spondence. 

When about to depart, he asked his parents 
what message he might bear to the dear ones 



20 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

in the home beyond, and without a shadow 
in the spirit's horizon, he passed on to join 
the waiting brothers and sisters in the con- 
genial and blissful pursuits of the heavenly 
life. He snatched the scepter from the hand 
of death on the morning of June 23, 1898, 
at the parsonage home in Santa Clara, and 
his youthful form was placed by loving hands 
beside his seven brothers and sisters, whose 
glorified spirits welcomed the Willie whom 
they had so much loved on earth. 

Who shall call such a death premature, 
when the brief life has revealed such possibili- 
ties of grace, and the light enkindled by it is 
destined to shine along the years as an in- 
spiration and guide to all who witnessed this 
consistent life and triumphant death? Though 
he has fallen when we think years of honor- 
able and useful life should have lain before 
him, we can not say it is an unfinished life. 

* * Virtue, not rolling suns, the mind matures. 
That life is long which answers life's great ends." 

F. F. JEWELL. 



CHAPTER II 

Early Boyhood 

Everything which goes to make up the 
activities of a boy entered into the youth of 
our "Knight of the Cross. " Life had for him 
a keen relish. Boyish visions brightened his 
outlook. To him, with his well-developed 
body, the world offered the attractions of 
legitimate physical enjoyment, and also al- 
lured with the temptations which so early 
attack the buoyant and inquiring. He was 
intensely fond of open-air amusements, such 
as swimming, ball-playing, excursions to 
places of interest, cycling, and the usual 
schoolboy games. From them he drank a 
full cup of pleasure. The restraints of whole- 
some authority were sometimes unheeded, 
and hasty resistance was not infrequent. 
Penitence, however, and promises of more 
willing obedience generally followed quickly. 

21 



22 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

When eleven years old he writes in his 
diary: "Was a real bad boy to-day. I have 
made good resolutions now, and hope, with 
God's help, to keep them." 

As a boy he took a deep interest in school, 
recording in his diary, with boyish sim- 
plicity and frankness, its chief incidents, his 
rank in class, his per cent, in studies, lists of 
misspelled words, his rewards and punish- 
ments. From time to time he comments on 
his progress in his studies as follows : "Had 
a hard Greek lesson to-night, but I have it." 
"I am beginning to see through Greek." 
When in the high school he took special in- 
terest in the debating society, and prepared 
himself, with great thoroughness, for those 
youthful passages-at-arms. 

Alw r ays energetic in every undertaking, 
when thirteen he worked zealously and in- 
defatigably for the new church at Eighth 
Avenue, Oakland, of which his father was pas- 
tor. Much of his spending money, earned in 
various ways, such as writing shorthand over- 
time, practicing an extra hour on the flute, 



EARLY BOYHOOD 23 

filling orders for pictures with his camera, 
gardening, chores of any and every sort, fur- 
nished a revenue, all willingly given to the 
much-loved new church. 

Ever alert to interest others in the work, 
and to get assistance from every possible 
source, he visited Grace Church, of which 
his father had formerly been pastor, to obtain 
aid. He writes thus in his journal, March 
10, 1889: "I went to lyceum at Grace 
Church, San Francisco, last night, and de- 
livered a speech on our album scheme. I 
got $2.50 at Lyceum for my album. I col- 
lected $10.25 for the new church to-day." 

When but eleven years of age, shadows be- 
gan to fall across his path. In February, 
1887, his sister Myrtle "passed from death to 
eternal life." On the 12th of May his brother 
Joe "was not," for God called him. This 
oldest brother, nearly twenty-two years of age, 
a graduate of the University of the Pacific, 
at College Park, California, who had been 
a great sufferer for some months, was greatly 
enriched in his Christian experience one Sun- 



24 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

day night, and spoke freely of it in the family. 
The impression made upon Will's mind is 
noted in his diary of April 10, 1887: "Last 
night about ten o'clock Joe came into pa 
and ma's room, and said: 'I have come to 
bring you the best news you would like to 
hear. Jesus has come into my soul, and I 
am so happy.' He was praising and singing 
a long time, for he was so happy." The im- 
pressions made by this wonderful experience 
and sublime faith in the closing hours of his 
brother's life were never effaced. One year 
of active school life had passed in Oakland, 
when his young heart was again swept by the 
waves of sorrow, and in a few words he 
chronicled the events as follows : 

"June 10, 1888. — This morning Grace did 
not feel well. Pa looked in her throat, and 
it was w T hite. The doctor pronounced it 
diphtheria. They sent me to San Francisco, 
to Mrs. N V 

"June 22, 1888. — This morning, as I was 
asleep over in San Francisco, about 5.45, 
Mr. N woke me, saying Harry was in 



EARLY BOYHOOD 25 

the parlor; also that the angel of death had 
carried away Grace.' ' 

His older sister, Bertha, about fourteen 
(Grace was ten), had been quite ill for some 
months, and he occasionally makes mention 
of her. The last references were : 

"June 26, 1888. — Bertha is not so well. 
She is failing rapidly. The doctor despairs 
of her life." 

"June 2j, 1888. — Bertha passed away 
peacefully this afternoon at 5.25. She recog- 
nized us all, and wrote, within an hour and 
a half of her death, in Harry's, May's, and my 
albums." 

Soon after this he was himself stricken with 
diphtheria, and came near to death's door. 
On his birthday, he thus w r rites : 

"July 29, 1888. — I am twelve years old to- 
day. I got up and came down to dinner this 
noon. It was the first time since I took 
diphtheria." 

The next break in the home circle was on 
the 22d of December, 1889, when his oldest 
sister, May, after a brief illness, went to join 



26 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

the dear ones beyond. She had been almost 
as a mother to him, and he felt her loss so 
keenly that he makes but this brief mention 
of it: "May was buried to-day. At the ceme- 
tery the sun came out till after the services." 
The next two years were spent in school, 
where he made excellent progress in his 
studies, evincing marked manly qualities. His 
industry and energy kept both hands and 
mind busy. He did various kinds of work 
by which he might develop his business abil- 
ity and put an honest dollar into his pocket. 
Lawn-mowing, photographing, caring for the 
horse and carriage at home, were enough to 
fill his hours of recreation. He writes : 

"February 8, 1890. — Charlie [a schoolboy 
friend] and I have formed a corporation. We 
got up at 5.15 A. M., and worked till 5.30 
P. M. We got one dollar and seventy cents, 
or eighty-five cents for each. We worked 
hard all day." 

" April 3, 1890. — Charlie and I began at 

Mrs. A 's yesterday. It was an easy job, 

and a fussy old woman around to hinder us." 



EARLY BOYHOOD 27 

His diary abounds in little details and 
touches of humor, showing that his eyes were 
open to all that was passing. His presence 
at church, Sunday-school, and Junior League, 
with the impressions received, are noted with 
perfect candor. He was as ready to note his 
failings and defects as to speak of his achieve- 
ments. 

At this time his only remaining brother, 
who for a year and a half had been traveling 
in Wyoming and Colorado in search of health, 
returned home. They were dear to each 
other, and Will felt the wholesome influence 
of his brother's presence on his return, in 
October, 1891. Though Harry was gradually 
failing, an early summons was not anticipated; 
but the end came suddenly. In reference to 
it the following entry is made : 

"January 28, 1892. — Harry got up and 
dressed this morning, and took a sun-bath on 
the front porch in the forenoon; and in the 
afternoon, on the back porch. I talked with 
him pleasantly after school, little dreaming it 
would be my last talk on earth with him." 



28 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

" January 29, 1892. — Went to school as 
usual to-day. About fifteen minutes before 
eleven o'clock, as I was studying, a knock 
came at the schoolroom door, and I was told 

by p that Harry was a little worse, and 

for me to come home immediately. I did so, 
and found, when I reached home, that Harry 
had suddenly been called hence. " 

"January 30th. — Did my regular work and 
numerous errands. Went into the parlor to- 
night and saw Harry. He looked just as I 
left him Thursday night — peaceful, resigned 
expression/' 

"January 31st. — Harry's funeral from the 
church at 2.30. Epworth League, about one 
hundred strong, marched in a body. They sat 
behind us. Half-way through the services at 
the cemetery, showered for a few minutes. 
Went to League and church to-night." 

A few months after this, at the age of fif- 
teen, when in the second year of the Oakland 
High School, he was obliged to give up study 
on account of weakening health. So he 
worked for some time in a surveying party, 



EARLY BOYHOOD 29 

until September 9, 1892, when, with his 
parents and sister, he left California for a year 
of travel in the East. 

As a voluntary means of discipline and self- 
improvement, he made minute and accurate 
comments on all that he saw and learned. 
The neatly-written note-books, products of 
many hours of self-imposed labor, were all 
carefully and systematically indexed, and thus 
made available for future use. Keen and 
Argus-eyed, little of interest escaped his no- 
tice. His love of nature and deepening ap- 
preciation of the handiwork of the Creator oc- 
casionally called forth bursts of admiration and 
bits of description. 

During a trip on the Great Lakes from 
Cleveland to Duluth, Minn., he writes: 

"July 29, 1893 — Lake Huron. — We have 
been going steadily onward on Lake Huron 
since midnight. We were out of sight of 
land several hours this morning*. The Mich- 
igan coast is about fifteen miles to our star- 
board. The sunset this evening was glorious. 
The sun went down behind a cloud-bank 



30 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

which it changed into a lurid lake of fire. The 
full moon rose up from the water soon after. 
It was beautiful." 

"July 30th. — Gorgeous sunset, at which I 
gazed an hour, studying coloring and cloud 
effects. Black clouds kept rolling in. Next 
we had some rain, accompanied by vivid light- 
ning and faint thunder/' 

Of his trip to Niagara Falls he writes : 
"This morning we walked to Prospect 
Park, which contains ten acres of prettily laid- 
out lawns and walks. In the southwest corner 
is Prospect Point, bordering on the American 
Falls, which from this point can be seen to 
fine advantage. The point is inclosed by a 
stone wall about four feet high, directly next 
to the falls. One can reach over and touch 
the water, so close are they. It is with pe- 
culiar sensations that I stood there. The 
water up the river is turbulent and rushing 
at a speed of thirty miles an hour. As it ap- 
proaches the edge of the falls, it becomes more 
placid, there being no stones to dash over. 
It rounds the edge as a fast-moving mass of 



EARLY BOYHOOD 31 

jelly. As the water rushes over the precipice 
in a solid mass, it hits projecting crags, and 
is dashed into fine spray, which resembles a 
snow-white drapery over the fall. It simply 
defies description. The sun was shining 
brightly, and the air was pure and clear. Rain- 
bows extended entirely across the river, show- 
ing each color with remarkable clearness. 
Leaving the point, we walked up the river 
a little distance to the bridge leading to Goat 
Island. From here we studied the rapids 
above the falls. Immense, white-capped, roll- 
ing, thundering waters, dashed along at rail- 
road speed, are the rapids." 

Determined to make the most of his op- 
portunities and to see all that was possible, he 
frequently went on long excursions while the 
others of the party rested. An entry, made 
while in New York, says: "Walked at least 
eight miles to-day with rubbers on, so was 
tired." Study was not neglected, for at inter- 
vals of leisure he kept up some school work. 
Under date of January 14, 1893, he writes: 
"Finished indexing my books of travel, and 



32 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

studied some Latin." Besides informing him- 
self about places of historic interest which 
were visited, he continued his general read- 
ing. One book especially he notes : 

"February 25, 1893 — Mount Pleasant, 0. — 
Read about eighty pages in 'Getting on in the 
World; or, Hints to Success in Life/ a three- 
hundred-page book of solid reading-matter 
by William Matthews, LL. D., of Chicago 
University." 

"February 27th. — Sat up until 10.30 read- 
ing 'Getting on in the World.' I find it prac- 
tical and interesting." 

From early youth he was a constant reader 
of the weekly papers of the Methodist Epis- 
copal Church, including the California Chris- 
tian Advocate, the Christian Advocate, and 
Sunday-school papers. He also enjoyed the 
Epzvorth Herald, and from its first issue until 
his life ended he read it with great profit. 
A careful study of "Four Wonderful Years" 
established him in the conviction that the Ep- 
worth League is the child of Providence, and 
his interest in its welfare was steady and in- 



EARLY BOYHOOD 33 

creasing as he studied its marvelous adapta- 
tion to the young people and its possibilities 
for good. He attended the first International 
Convention of the League at Cleveland, Ohio, 
in 1893, with his father, and was an attentive 
listener to all its proceedings. 

He was deeply touched at that wondrous 
meeting on Sunday morning, when nearly 
every one of the founders of the League was 
present, and told, in simple story, the history 
of its birth. Later in the day, as Bishop 
Warren moved the vast congregation with his 
masterly sermon, his soul was stirred; and yet 
again was he thrilled, in the evening, on visit- 
ing the little church around the corner, in 
which this youngest child of Methodism was 
born. 

When quite a lad he became interested in 
the Boys' Brigade movement, seeing in it 
a field of usefulness for saving the boys from 
fourteen to eighteen years of age for the 
Church and Christ. A company was organ- 
ized at Eighth Avenue, Oakland, of which he 
became one of the most active and enthusi- 
3 



34 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

astic members. While traveling he sought 
out and visited as many companies as he could 
find. In Philadelphia he was specially inter- 
ested in seeing the good work it accom- 
plished. He was the means of organizing a 
few companies in places where he spent some 
time. At the request of Dr. Berry, he wrote 
an article for the Epworth Herald setting 
forth the movement and its benefits. He 
never lost an opportunity in speaking a good 
word for the Young Men's Christian Asso- 
ciation, having realized its advantages. Dur- 
ing his Eastern tour, he found his way to its 
reading-rooms in almost every city visited, 
and was gladdened to see the homelike influ- 
ences which pervaded them. In later years, 
when alone, far from home and friends, search- 
ing for health, he often found its reading- 
rooms a shelter from the blasts of worldliness 
and sin. 

When the family returned to California, in 
September, 1893, his father was stationed at 
Santa Cruz, and there Will entered the high 
school, expecting to finish its course, and then 



EARLY BOYHOOD 35 

attend a Christian college. Again his health 
failed, and careful medical examinations 
showed that disease was undermining his con- 
stitution. Turning reluctantly from school 
with its inviting opportunities, he began his 
heroic battle for life. 



CHAPTER III 

Eventful Epochs 

"Not as I will," the sound grows swee 

Each time my lips the words repeat. 
"Not as I will," because the One 
Who loved us first and best has gone 
Before us in the road, and still 
For us must all His love fulfill, 
"Not as we will." 

— Helen Hunt Jackson. 

The summer of 1894 was spent in the Santa 
Cruz Mountains. A milder climate, however, 
seemed desirable for the winter, so in No- 
vember he sought the far-famed Sunny 
South. The necessity of giving up school 
and leaving home were both sore trials and 
disappointments. His diary continues the 
narrative : 

"January 3, 1894 — Santa Cruz, Cal — Was 
invited out to dinner this evening; had some 
apple-dumpling, with brandy sauce. I refused 
the sauce." 

36 



EVENTFUL EPOCHS 37 

"February 7th. — Staid in and read this 
morning; and also this afternoon. Read two 
chapters in 'Beacon Lights of History/ by 
John Lord." 

"August 31, 1894 — Santa Cruz Mountains. 
— Woke up at 5.30. Cold and foggy. Spent 
until breakfast reading Bible with Whedon's 
Commentary. Progress is slow. Am reading 
Matthew i. After dinner I went into the 
library. Callers came, and I was detained, so 
I lost an hour. I had intended to put on 
Bible study." 

"September 1st. — The lights of Santa Cruz 
seem nearer and brighter than ever before. 
The heavens look grand. Psalms xix, 1." 

"September 2d. — The sermon this morning 
was earnest and spiritual. Very satisfying to 
me, and helpful. God help me to take home 
to myself the truths!" 

"November 9th — Santa Cruz. — Up at 5.30. 
Finished packing. After breakfast, the good- 
byes. I realize that they are for some time, 
longer than ever before, but believe it is best. 
Feelings nearly overcame me. Pa and I took 



38 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

car, and soon home was out of sight. At the 
depot, a few words, a good-bye kiss, and I was 
off, nearer breaking down than ever. Watched 
him until train made curve. While I am 
severing home ties, I am strengthening them 
with my God." 

Immediately on leaving home he went to 
Redlands, a beautiful city about sixty-five 
miles east from Los Angeles, where he made 
his home with relatives. In order to trace 
the successive steps in his religious life, it 
wx>uld be well to read his consecration, dated 
November 4, 1894, in Chapter IX, "Some 
Phases of Religious Experience and Testi- 
mony." After a long conversation with his 
father, reaching late into the night of No- 
vember 3d, both had joined in prayer, and, 
having reached a full determination to be for- 
ever a servant of God, he wrote that purpose- 
ful self-surrender. The next morning, in a 
very deliberate manner, he handed the paper 
to his father with these words: "How will 
that do?" A new light was in his eye, a new 
joy in his heart, and a firmer faith stimulated 



EVENTFUL EPOCHS 39 

his whole nature. His letters of this date give 
fuller detail than his diary about the experi- 
ence into which he entered soon after reach- 
ing Redlands. How completely he had sur- 
rendered himself to the Spirit of God will be 
seen in what follows. 

"November nth — Redlands, CaL, sixty-five 
miles east of Los Angeles, a beautiful orange- 
growing city. — After preaching service, I re- 
mained to class. Had good testimonies. I 
added mine. While I have experienced no 
remarkable change of feeling, I am deter- 
mined to claim all that comes from entire sur- 
render." 

"November 14th. — Have had many 
thoughts of God and my relations to him this 
day. I feel my insufficiency and my need of 
strength, but trust God for what I lack." 

"November 25th. — This morning a short 
but suggestive sermon on sanctification. 
Text, John xvii, 17. It did me good, and I 
am now strengthened in my determination to 
give up anything and everything that may 
hinder God's residence in my heart. O Holy 



40 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

Spirit, come into my heart more fully, and 
show me whatever may be there contrary to 
God's will ! I do want thy indwelling. Help 
me to put down self, and install thee only 
Sovereign in my life. O, I do hunger and 
thirst for a deeper experience ! I thank thee 
that I am in the way, and for thy presence; 
but I want deeper love. I do throw myself 
on the promises of God, and claim them as 
my own. God saves me now, yea, now. I 
claim it, I feel it. Thou bindest the strong 
man of sin, the devil, and wilt give me 
strength to keep him down. Do, O Father, 
is my prayer. I led prayers to-night, read- 
ing Matthew vii, 1-12. Had more freedom 
in prayer than for a long time. The day has 
been a bright one in my experience. I feel 
stronger than ever before in my religious 
life." 

"November 27th. — Have been thinking 
much of God and his promises to-day. I know 
I am saved; for I believe his Word who has 
promised. I read to-night in the 'Christian's 
Secret of a Happy Life.' " 



EVENTFUL EPOCHS 4 1 

"December 17th. — Rev. Joseph H. Smith 
gave a Bible-reading on James v, 16-20. It 
was fine, being on full salvation, or sanctifi- 
cation. He invited those who wished it to 
come to the altar, and I went with many 
others. I did not gain any feeling, but I 
publicly announced myself as a seeker. This 
evening I read some in 'Christian's Secret' 
and the Bible on the subject, and then spent 
half an hour on my knees opening my soul 
to God. Relying on my consecration and his 
promises, by faith I laid hold on his promise, 
'The blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth 
us from all sin/ and really claimed it as mine. 
Then I w r as conscious of peace, and my heart 
was full of song to which my lips gave vent. 
Praise God for my experience!" I fully trust 
him as the cleanser of my soul, lack of feeling 
notwithstanding." 

"December 20th. — A man invited me to 
ride down-town with him, and I accepted. On 
the way I invited him to church, and had a 
little talk with him religiously. Thank God 
for strength to do so !" 



42 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

"December 21st. — This morning I read in 
the 'Tongue of Fire/ At the afternoon meet- 
ing I gave in my word of testimony. I am 
clinching the matter so the devil can't catch 
me." 

"December 3d. — At this afternoon's service 
the man next to me was deeply convicted and 
moved. I talked with him a little, but he 
would not do anything. When meeting was 
over, I urged him further, and told him I 
would pray for him to-day. I afterwards 
learned he was an infidel. I have prayed for 
him, and will continue to. The Holy Spirit 
made me feel that he was in need, and helped 
me. It was so easy to speak to him. I have 
been much in prayer to-day, and God is near 
me. My heart is so full of love to God." 

"December 31st. — The last day of the year, 
and yet how unlike previous years! I close 
the year happy, in improved health, a more 
enlightened mind, a good religious experi- 
ence, friends, a loving home, and realizing 
God's guidance and goodness in a special man- 
ner. The past year has been a peculiar one — 



EVENTFUL EPOCHS 43 

a year devoted to health-searching, part of 
it away from home. My self-reliance has been 
strengthened, confidence has increased, and 
I feel quite able to master circumstances, with 
God's help. The year 1894 marks two impor- 
tant periods in my life. November 4th, at 
10.45 P- M., in Santa Cruz, I made the com- 
plete surrender to God, and obtained a sense 
of forgiven sin and adoption. December 17th, 
at 9.30 P. M., I claimed God for cleansing 
from inbred sin, and made a living sacrifice 
of myself to God, and he sealed the sacrifice 
with great peace, which is still mine, and, I 
pray, always will be. The result has been, 
I have since been kept from sin and am happy 
in Jesus. I close the year with songs of praise 
and joy on my lips. I have perfect peace with 
God and assurance of his presence in my 
heart, and a great joy. I love God's house, 
his people, and books about him. 'My lines 
have fallen unto me in pleasant places/ In- 
deed, 'Thou crownest the year with thy good- 
ness.' Glory to God ! Hallelujah !" 

"January 1, 1895.— Welcome, 1895. With 



44 ^ MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

your advent comes much of hope — hope for 
health, and faith for great grace, and a rich 
Christian experience. This year I intend to 
live for Christ as never before. I have tasted 
of God's love and goodness, and I want a 
liberal portion this year. I am fully dedicated 
to him, and pray for a gracious outpouring 
of the Holy Ghost upon myself. God, in this 
quiet hour, I bear thee witness that in my in- 
most soul I am thine entirely. Make me 
the instrument in thy hands by which good 
may be done to all with whom I have inter- 
course. Glorify thyself in me." 

"January 5th. — My mind has been filled 
with cares, but God took them." 

"January 20th. — Mountains look grand and 
imposing, for they are covered with snow. 
This afternoon I read in 'Milestone Papers' 
with great profit. I realize that my faith has 
been too evanescent, so have taken a deeper 
hold to-day. I want overcoming faith, and 
am going to keep my eye constantly on Jesus 
for guidance in everything. To-night I read 
about eighteen chapters in Deuteronomy." 



EVENTFUL EPOCHS 45 

"March 21st. — Felt quite cast down this 

morning, but writing to L of my faith, 

and reading some good old hymns in the 
Hymnal, and looking to God, helped me. To- 
night the burden is gone; I feel relieved and 
at rest/' 

"April 5th. — Day has been profitable. Have 
garnered new thoughts which I will endeavor 
to inculcate as principles in my life. Have 
been close to God to-day, and feel that my 
faith is invigorated. Invited a man to church 
Sunday." 

"April 7th. — Had a good class-meeting. I 
spoke near the first and with liberty." 

As the weather grew quite warm, thinking 
the north would be better for the summer, 
he returned to his home at Santa Cruz near 
the last of April. On his homeward journey 
he contracted a severe cold, the results of 
w r hich are mentioned in his entries of April 
and May. It was as he was recovering slowly 
from this serious illness that the letter to his 
cousin was written, entitled "Light on the 
Pathway." 



46 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

" April 26th — Santa Cruz. — About 2 A. M. 
I awoke, and having a taste of blood, I lit 
the lamp. I was experiencing a hemorrhage. 
Had no pain or uncomfortable feeling or ap- 
prehension. I turned my thoughts to Christ, 
and fear vanished." 

When recovering from a very serious ill- 
ness, following this, in which he seemed near 
his heavenly home, he writes: 

"May 9th. — Am safe in the arms of Jesus, 
and I know he doeth all things well. I pray 
for composure, that I may look squarely into 
the future and bravely conquer through 
Christ." 

As soon as he was able to go from home, 
he again sought the refreshing air and de- 
lightful scenery of the Santa Cruz Mountains, 
about fifteen miles from Santa Cruz. Here, 
amid pleasant surroundings, the time passed 
swiftly, and he was happy in the midst of 
continued activity. When not out of doors 
assisting in light chores and helping with 
picking and packing fruit, he applied himself 
closely to studies, both secular and religious. 



EVENTFUL EPOCHS 47 

Some glimpses of these days are recorded in 
the following entries of his journal : 

"June 23d — Santa Cruz Mountains. — To- 
day has been a good one. I have felt deeply 
as I thought over my duties as a son, a 
brother, and a Christian, and am fully deter- 
mined in Christ to measure up to them." 

"June 29th. — I am trying to plan a good 
program so as to make the most of my days." 

"June 30th. — This morning, when ready 
for church, I spent an hour in careful Bible 
study." 

"July 3d. — After dinner R and I had a 

romp; then he lay down, and we talked." 

"July 5th. — Woke at 4.50, and arose. Had 
an early breakfast with the men this morn- 
ing so as to have time to make a fern con- 
trivance for L, . I was compelled, how- 
ever, after an hour and a halfs effort, to give 
up, for my material was insufficient." 

"July 6th. — After churning, I finished my 
letter to mama. To-day is her birthday, and 
I aim for her to get the letter this after- 
noon." 



48 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

"July 8th. — The fog is dense below, but it 
escapes us. It is exactly like a flaky, white, 
billowy sea, with the Monterey Mountains as 
a background. The foreground is completely 
covered." 

"July 1 2th. — Finished, this morning, III 
John and part of Jude. Am now debating 
in my mind the amount of reading I ought 
to do, and how extensively I want to note 
it. I do n't want to overdo, mentally or 
physically. Will ask doctor about it." 

"July 13th. — To-night is beautiful. An- 
other week has passed into history, and I can 
rejoice in good health (for me) and lessons 
learned. I can more intelligently thank God 
to-night for all his mercies to me and his 
providential leadings. I rejoice in a dear, per- 
sonal Christ, who is making life a continual 
joy and happiness to me." 

"July 2 1 st. — The day has hardly resulted 
in all I had desired, and yet I have had high 
and holy thoughts. Perhaps a variation from 
my usual course is not hurtful occasionally." 

"August 14th. — Quit work at ten, when I 



EVENTFUL EPOCHS 49 

wrote a letter to G on the necessity and 

desirability of a religious life." 

"August 1 8th. — Have done much thinking, 
and have reached some good conclusions. 
Am resolved, if I regain health, to get a thor- 
ough, Christian, classical education at a Meth- 
odist college. A thorough foundation is es- 
sential to largest usefulness. Further, I am 
going to let nothing stand between me and 
God. My life, my all are his, and in return 
he gives me peace, happiness, joy, and an 
increased desire for usefulness and knowl- 
edge." 

"August 2 1 st.— Wrote to M . Have 

emphasized the necessity of his knowing 
Christ saves him. I covenant to pray for him 
daily." 

"September ist. — Have gotten help from 
'Some Aspects of a Blessed Life,' by Mark 
Guy Pearse. Am more fully determined to 
push on, conquering and overcoming." 

"September 8th. — I am more fully resolved 
to live nearer Christ and to depend more on 
his grace and less on my own strength." 
4 



50 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

September ioth. — Very clear to-night on 
the bay. The mountains look nearer and 
clearer than I ever saw them before. The 
lights of Santa Cruz are like diamonds, so 
distinct and near. I can see the Monterey 
Lighthouse light for the first time." 

"October 1st. — An ideal night. Have 
worked hard to-day to complete the New Tes- 
tament transcribing in my note-book before 
I go home. Am now midway in Revelation. 
Will be glad to finish it. It has taken much 
time, but I hope the classification will be 
serviceable. I have been tempted to give it 
up; but determined to push it through for the 
discipline." 

"October ioth — Santa Cruz. — Finished the 
'Bonnie Brier Bush' to-night. It is an excel- 
lent book. Its lessons are well concealed in 
' pathetic sketches. The last chapter overcame 
me, where it told of Dr. MacClure's demise.'' 

"October 29th. — Pa tried to get me to talk 
to-night, but I could n't. Have been miser- 
able myself, and have hurt others. The reason 
is, I have overtaxed my strength, and have 



EVENTFUL EPOCHS 5 1 

given up to discouraging influences. I really 
do n't understand myself. I have throughout 
acted contrary to my inclinations. Have said 
and done many things I am heartily ashamed 
of, but have been too cowardly to confess it 
and turn about." 

"October 30th — Wrights, Santa Cruz 
Mountains. — Came up here to-day for a few 
weeks. Got my things fixed around as of 
old. My cot gone and a bed takes its place. 
Things seem strange, and I have a sense of 
loneliness to-night." 

"October 31st. — Work is monotonous and 
somewhat tiresome. Spent the evening in 
my room, writing, reading, and meditating. 
Night is beautiful and moonlight. I still feel 
strange and out of place up here. I do n't 
feel natural." 

"November 1st. — Have read in 'Christian's 
Secret' to-day. It is so helpful. It pressed 
closely to my thought that I have been fail- 
ing in Christian life because of reservation in 
continuous, complete consecration and lack 
of trust in God. I have acknowledged my 



52 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

failure to God, and am starting afresh, hoping 
to benefit by the experience of the past. 
"November 2d. — From what was said to 

me to-day by Mrs. A and another person, 

the conviction is growing upon me that I am 
not so well as I have thought; but then, I can 
not help it, so try not to think of it much, 
but keep steadily on in what seems best. That 
certainly is all I can do." 



CHAPTER IV 
Struggles for Health 

I know not what the future hath 

Of marvel or surprise; 
Assured alone that life and death 

His mercy underlies. 

I know not where His islands lift 

Their fronded palms in air; 
I only know I can not drift 

Beyond His love and care. 

— Whittier. 

The fall of 1895 found Will at home again, 
planning for the winter. After much careful 
inquiry about different localities, he decided 
to try the climate of the desert, and so went 
to Palm Springs. This health resort is sit- 
uated at the foot of the San Jacinto Moun- 
tain, in the San Bernardino Range, about one 
hundred miles east of Los Angeles. It is on 
the edge of the desert, five miles south of the 
railroad, and consists of a hotel, a few dwell- 
ing-houses and stores, with some improved 

53 



54 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

farms in the outlying region. Here he sought 
a dry and warm atmosphere, and from these 
new conditions hoped for much gain. His 
diary of this date tells, in minute detail, his 
inner life — the struggles against depression 
amid the lonely surroundings, and concern as 
to future plans. The few excerpts given show 
his efforts practically to apply the teachings 
of the Word of God to daily life. 

"December 10, 1895. — A new face at break- 
fast. I notice the newcomer asks a grace. 
Commenced 'Pushing to the Front/ It is 
very interesting and alive with suggestions." 

"December nth. — Have a stronger pur- 
pose than ever to bravely push my way over 
obstacles. I will succeed, God helping me." 

"December 22d. — To-day has been un- 
eventful. I have been thoughtful, and have 
been rewarded. What a trial it is to have to 
wait! I am trying to be patient and learn." 

"December 24th. — D has the knack of 

clothing the commonest nothings in such 
ponderous words as to make him appear in- 
tellectual." 



STRUGGLES FOR HEALTH 55 

"December 28th. — I do n't know why all 
my light-heartedness has gone so quickly. I 
feel my need of Divine and human help now, 
and wish that I was not so far from friends. 
I shall cast, or try to, all my burdens on the 
Lord, trusting his help." 

"December 29th. — This evening have re- 
ceived a spiritual uplift. I can and will pull 
out the winter with God's help." 

"December 30th. — So one more year closes. 
It has been an eventful year, although seem- 
ingly unreal as I look back on it. I am grate- 
ful to God for his care and goodness to me, 
and I feel a deeper desire than ever and de- 
termination to get closer to him this year. 
Faith I need and pray for — a living faith, and 
complete, constant trust." 

In his diary of 1896 he writes this preface: 

"Who looks within without permission 
Is guilty of a great transgression. 
For what doth in this book appear 
Is not designed for public eye, 

And public eye means thine." 

"January 2, 1896. — Walked up to alfalfa 
field at nine, and there had a precious season 



56 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

of prayer and song. Committed several 
hymns." 

"January 12th. — Has been a strange Sun- 
day. To change or not to change has been 
the all-absorbing question. I am in great 
mental distress over it." 

"January 13th. — Letters from home. All 
favor staying, if possible. After weighing the 
matter carefully, I have decided to stay and 
get into regularity. I rely upon God's help 
to do it. I believe it is best, so will stick 
it out." 

"February 1st. — To-night I am in a happy, 
contented state. Inward peace and outward 
satisfaction to what seems best." 

"February 4th. — Made a fire after break- 
fast, and read Genesis i to vi, making notes 
in a blank-book, which I intend to keep up 
systematically through the Old Testament, in 
order to get a better and clearer idea of 
events." 

"February 27th. — I do believe sincerely in 
heaven, and intend to read 'Man all Immortal," 
by Bishop Clark, some time in the near fu- 



STRUGGLES FOR HEALTH 57 

ture. I read some of it in my illness in the 
spring. Have had some calm thoughts to- 
day. Had begun to get restless and im- 
patient, but have realized that I am now where 
God has placed me, and so should accept his 
will and do it. I do get so lonely, though, at 
times, for there is no one with whom I asso- 
ciate who can give me the sympathy for which 
I crave." 

With the return of spring, and consequent 
warm weather, a cooler climate seemed de- 
sirable, so he returned to his home, now at 
Santa Clara. The summer was uneventful; 
it brought him no real gain. Several med- 
ical examinations indicated that his disease 
was making progress. With a hopefulness 
which looked for complete recovery, but with 
a realization that the time required would be 
much longer than he had hitherto admitted 
to himself (and as the time for schooling was 
passing), he determined to seek the conditions 
which promised the most speedy as well as 
certain cure. The Rocky Mountain region 
was so highly recommended that he resolved 



58 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

to test its virtues. Thus he turned his steps 
towards Las Vegas, New Mexico, where, for 
awhile, improvement seemed real and rapid." 

"April 7th — Santa Clara, Cal. — Reached 
home this afternoon." 

"July 28th. — We had some hot weather in 
June and July. I lost my appetite and con- 
siderable flesh, and my ambition in general. 
Up at 5.15. Finished packing. A little be- 
fore nine took a last look around for some 
months, then said good-byes, and papa and I 
were off. Spent day in city. Papa saw me 
on the train. We had a talk, and then he 
went back to city. I pretty near caved in. 
Was so sorry to part." 

The following description is part of a letter 
written for a Santa Clara newspaper for which 
he corresponded at the request of the editor : 

"Las Vegas, New Mexico, is in the north- 
eastern part of New Mexico, in the only pass 
east of the Rocky Mountains, between the 
mountains of the north and the plains of the 
south and southeast, through which traffic 
always has had, and must continue, to pass, 



STRUGGLES FOR HEALTH 59 

by a direct route from the Missouri River to 
New Mexico, Arizona, and northern New 
Mexican points. As early as 1853 a Mexican 
trading-post was established at this important 
point. In 1879 the Atchison, Topeka & Santa 
Fe Railroad Company built through here, 
and from that time the growth of the modern 
city dates. In the same year the wholesale 
houses that had followed the railroad step by 
step located here to stay, recognizing the im- 
portance of the location as a distributing 
center. And so the fact that, commercially, 
Las Vegas is the first city of the Territory. 
[By its name, Las Vegas, 'The Meadows/ the 
country of which it is the center is described.] 
New Mexico meadows differ from those of 
the States. Instead of being gently rolling 
or level, they are broken up into broad, un- 
even plateaus, or mesas, often with abrupt 
banks a hundred or more feet high. These 
plateaus slope from the Rocky Mountains 
south and east into Mexico and Texas, for it 
will be remembered we are twenty miles east 
of the main range of the Rockies. It is in 



60 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

a hilly valley, several miles wide, hemmed in 
between a broad plateau, with high, steep 
banks immediately to the east, and foothills 
adjoining to the west, that the town lies. To 
the northward the valley extends five miles, 
ending in the hills at the famous Hot Springs. 
Southward the valley widens, and is lost on 
the distant horizon. A small river, the Rio 
Gallinas, flows down the valley, and on both 
sides of its sloping banks lies the town." 

"August 9th. — Read part of a sermon of 
Wesley's on 'Salvation by Faith.' Enjoy his 
style. Have felt great uplift to-day, being 
in the Spirit. Feel greatly encouraged that I 
am in the right place for Christian work and 
recovery, and, under grace, am going to put 
forth every effort in behalf of both. My will 
is determined and settled." 

"August 19th. — Have been lonely to-day, 
and a little homesick. Jesus has been in my 
thoughts helpfully." 

"August 28th. — Read an hour before going 
to breakfast. Finished Carlyle's 'Heroes and 
Hero Worship/ It has been educating read- 



STRUGGLES FOR HEALTH 6l 

ing, and will help me think. It shows me my 
need of reading history and biography." 

As winter approached, it seemed better to 
him to test the merits of a greater altitude, 
so from Las Vegas he went to Rociada, a 
small trading-post about thirty miles to the 
northwest. The reasons for this change, which 
necessitated comparative isolation, were the 
hoped-for advantages of greater elevation, 
better and more nourishing food, and more 
outdoor exercise. But the loneliness became 
oppressive, and the lack of helpful Church 
privileges a keen deprivation, the more so 
as he found no congenial or helpful compan- 
ion. At this time he writes : 

"Things with me are as favorable as I could 
ask. My health is good, and as that is the 
main thing, I do not complain about other 
things. You can imagine that it may be a 
little lonesome, and not exactly the surround- 
ings one would select from a religious and 
mental standpoint. Still, such is life, and if 
the essentials exist, the others can come later. 
I find work the antidote to unsettled feelings. 



62 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

I went to church up at the schoolhouse last 
Sunday. Found no spirit of devotion nor 
any edification in the sermon. I was not 
invited to return, and do not think I was wel- 
come. Prefer my quiet Sundays alone with 
Wesley.' " 

"September 6th — Rociada, New Mexico. — 
Spent evening reading my mail, as I was half- 
famished for news, having had none for a 
week. Day has not been spent right in all re- 
spects. I have been too miscellaneously em- 
ployed." 

"September 20th. — I was especially moved 
by papa's letter where he said that last Sun- 
day morning at the Annual Conference love- 
feast, he felt moved to speak of me and my 
aspirations, and asked an interest in their 
prayers for me. The leader at once responded 
in an earnest prayer for my recovery (D. V.), 
to which there were many and hearty Amens." 

"September 25th. — First freeze last night. 
Thin ice this morning. Put the following 
plan into execution to-day, and will adhere 
to it: Up at 6; exercise, 6.20; prayer and 



STRUGGLES FOR HEALTH 63 

Bible, 7; breakfast, 7-8; open for exercise, 
8-10; shorthand, 10-11; tube, 11-11.20; Bible 
study, 1 1. 20-12; dinner, 12-1; open, 1-4; 
Spanish, 4-4.45; theology, 5-6; supper, 6-7; 
open to 8.40; journalize, 8.50; prayers and 
bed at 9." 

"October 18th. — Have been thoughtful to- 
day of how my actions conform with my plan 
as laid out previously. I need a check 
physically and mentally. In the former, I 
must rigidly observe my outing hours; and 
in the latter, curtail somewhere. Ambition 
would run me into the ground, overdrawing 
my strength. Day has been a fair one. Have 
realized my weakness more, and also my fail- 
ure compared with the ideal Christ." 

"November 22d. — Spent a good day. This 
morning read a sermon of Wesley's, the Sun- 
day-school lesson, and the Christian Advocate. 
Took a walk, after dinner, over the hills north. 
Read in theology and Epworth Herald this 
afternoon and evening. God is good. Every 
day sees some new revelation of his power 
and goodness. I feel that I have taken only 



64 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

the first and feeblest steps in the divine life. 
Full of imperfection, I long for more of the 
grace of God that I may measure up to my 
opportunities. Stand still and see God's work. 
Lord, help me to do so patiently!" 

"December 31st. — This is the end of 1896. 
Farewell ! Thou hast served me well. It has 
not been a year of enjoyment all through, 
though it has had enjoyable features. Trial 
and disappointment have been abundant, but, 
above all these, loom up the peace and satis- 
faction I have in Christ. I am trying to live 
right, but I make some mistakes; yet 1896 
has seen more gain than retrogression. Vale 
1896!" 

A careful study of the books on climatic 
conditions led him to believe that Santa Fe 
would be preferable to Rociada, so the last 
of January, 1897, he left that region, and 
reached his destination in the midst of a snow- 
storm and at a time when the grippe was 
epidemic. It was with difficulty and much 
care he escaped an attack himself, and, fearing 
the results of the cold, damp weather, he hast- 



STRUGGLES FOR HEALTH 65 

ened to Phoenix, Arizona, arriving there early 
in March, after stopping a few days in Tempe. 

While in New Mexico he wrote several let- 
ters for the California Christian Advocate and 
other newspapers in the State, which called 
forth high praise from many readers. 

Soon after coming to Phoenix he was much 
cheered by a visit from his father. They 
agreed that it would be better for him to lay 
aside all books, so far as possible, and live in 
the open air. Into this plan he entered with 
zest, going so far as to purchase an outfit 
for roughing it. A brief experience at a min- 
ing-camp satisfied him that, however well such 
a plan might be for others, it was not suit- 
able for him. Returning to Phoenix, he did 
light housekeeping for a few months, with a 
genial companion, who was also in search of 
health. 

"March 2j, 1897 — Phoenix, Arizona. — Have 
been thinking over the conditions of disciple- 
ship with Christ this afternoon, and decided 
I must stand with boldness for him. I say 
my grace as unostentatiously as possible be- 



66 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

fore meals, but am resolved to stand by my 
accustomed habits under any conditions." 

"April 6th. — Read to-day in Upham's 'In- 
terior Life,' and am very much interested." 

"April 15th. — This afternoon I completed 
'The Last Days of Pompeii.' The book was 
interesting as the portrayal of the customs of 
an early age, but in some places it is so sensual 
and suggestive of impurity that I should not 
want to read many such books. 'To the pure 
all things are pure.' Perhaps so, but there 
are in some of us flames more easily kindled 
than in others." 

"April 27th. — Have been greatly helped in 
reading Upham's 'Interior Life' and Thom- 
son's 'Educational Essays.' I can and I will 
move things for my improvement from now, 
conquering difficulties rather than being con- 
quered by them." 

"May 7th. — Had a long talk with the pas- 
tor about sociability and a field for work. He 
said he could give me plenty to do, and I am 
ready for it. Made a call this afternoon, but 
found the parties had returned to California." 



STRUGGLES FOR HEALTH 6 J 

"May 23d. — Studied Sunday-school lesson 
after breakfast. Our teacher was absent, so 
I again unexpectedly taught." 

"June 20th. — Attended Epworth League 
at 7. Good meeting. The leader called on me 
to pray and comment on some passages. A 
good day and a busy one. Now to digest the 
day's lessons during the week. I need more 
quiet, religious reflection, which I must plan 
for." 

His plan had been to spend the summer 
in Phoenix, notwithstanding the very hot 
weather, thinking it might be better; but when 
the heat reached its normal standard for that 
time of year, he was assured by physicians it 
would be unwise to remain. After a close 
study of official weather reports and thorough 
investigation, he decided to change to Las 
Cruces, New Mexico. Somewhat reluctantly 
he turned his footsteps farther away from 
home. Conditions were much as he had sup- 
posed and for awhile he seemed to rally. He 
explored the region thoroughly, and wrote 
several very interesting letters from there for 



68 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

the press. While remaining at Las Cruces, 
he planned to revisit Las Vegas, and also at- 
tend the New Mexico Mission Conference, 
which met at Albuquerque. Some account 
of the months spent in these different local- 
ities will be found in the following extracts 
from his diary: 

"July 1 8th — Las Cruces, New Mexico. — 
Talked with a man this evening who believes 
the Bible as it pleases him. Evidently he 
knows no experimental Christianity. Infidel 
associations have vitiated his belief. We got 
into quite an argument, and it did no good. 
I must not argue with persons, for it is not 
helpful; rather the reverse." 

"August 30th. — Found a centipede about 
three inches long, with thirty-eight legs, in 
my bed this morning. Evidently I had tucked 
him down last night when I fixed my covers. 
So I was saved from an unsuspected danger 
by God's providence, I prefer to believe, 
rather than by chance." 

"September 5th. — The pastor preached 
vigorously and earnestly on 'Overcoiners.' 



STRUGGLES FOR HEALTH 69 

He quite startled me at the close by saying: 
'After singing. Brother Heacock will lead in 
prayer.' I did so briefly, but appropriately 
to the sermon. Lack of public speaking 
makes me timid, but I will not back down 
from anything I can do." 

"September 19th — Las J^egas. — Brother 

B preached. Made a fine opening prayer. 

Communion followed. My first one for over 
a year, and I was glad to partake." 

"September 26th. — Attended Sunday- 
school and church. The speaker was a de- 
liberate talker, who picks his language and 
clothes his thoughts in good English. Sev- 
eral times he introduced slang, which sounded 
vulgar by contrast. This evening had a little 

chat with Mrs. H , then spent a quiet hour 

in prayer and meditation. Must have more 
such periods with God — informal heart 
talks." 

"October 3d — Albuquerque, New Mexico. — 
At close of preaching this morning three- 
fourths of the congregation pledged faithfully 
to try to bring one soul to Christ in twelve 



70 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

months. I rose among the number, and will 
make it a matter of prayer and thought." 

"October ioth. — Resumed reading in 'Wat- 
son's Institutes/ beginning a new volume (II), 
and will finish by Christmas, averaging ten 
pages a day." 

"October 17th. — After dinner I read, took 
a walk, and then got out my flute before 
supper, running over a few tunes by ear." 

"October 19th. — W came to me this 

afternoon to see if I wanted to deliver meat 
for several hours in the morning, at fifteen 
dollars a month. I found it included Sunday, 
so refused, unless he arranges for Sunday 
otherwise." 

"October 23d. — This afternoon I finished 
writing on 'Faith Cure.' The pastor asked 
me if I would be Sunday-school superintend- 
ent, but I told him of my inexperience, and 
left it to Providential indications. I am not 
anxious to undertake the responsibility, and 
would do it only if it seemed my evident 
duty." 

"October 29th. — Considerable pain and 



STRUGGLES FOR HEALTH 7 1 

suffering to-day. Grin and bear it, is my 

policy. N came in and read her lesson 

for school to-morrow nicely." 

"November 7th. — I asked the landlady not 
to have my mail asked for any more on Sun- 
dav." 

"November 16th. — Read in 'Watson's In- 
stitutes/ Am now considering Calvinism in 
its various aspects, and am much interested." 

"November 21st. — Have made up my mind 
after this to be out doors every possible 
minute. Will endeavor this week to brace 
up some, but I feel pretty weak. Appetite is 
so poor. I have been thinking of eliminating 
all allusion to my physical condition from my 
letters, and write entirely of other things. It 
accomplishes but little good to write them 
home, for they can not help me, and it may 
be depressing to them." 

"November 24th. — Have felt worthless to- 
day. Not enough energy even to sit up 
straight. It is almost unaccountable to know 
where my strength has gone." 

For a few weeks his health had been giving 



72 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

him uneasiness, and his mind and heart both 
turned towards his native golden West. 
Weakness which was to him unaccountable 
began to tax all efforts to overcome it without 
favorable results. He still fondly hoped a 
change to a more congenial climate would 
bring back his wonted vigor. At any rate, 
his purpose was fixed to enter upon a home- 
ward journey. Having exhausted all the most 
favorable conditions for improvement, he 
doubtless felt a secret conviction that the 
battle was going against him. In one of his 
letters at this time he speaks of himself as 
a "brakeless wagon on a hill," which must 
find some way of checking its downward 
progress, or speedily reach the bottom. 

Silver City, Arizona, held out some attrac- 
tions, but a short stay assured him nothing 
was to be gained from its climate. One of 
the most distressing features attending one 
whose disease is tuberculosis in its advanced 
stages, is the suspicion with which the patient 
is treated. Doors open to invalids from other 
diseases are shut to these. To his sensitive 



STRUGGLES FOR HEALTH 73 

and refined nature this was hard to bear, yet 
perfect self-control and a sensible view kept 
his lips sealed and his pen silent on the sub- 
ject. 

Yuma, Arizona, just on the line of Cali- 
fornia, was the next station at which he halted 
for a time. Weary of the necessary restric- 
tions connected with hotels and boarding- 
houses, he felt a relief to get into some rooms 
where he could care for himself and feel per- 
fectly free. His diary and letters were glee- 
ful with the new experience. During his stay 
here his mother made him a short visit. When 
she left, deprived of the stimulus of her pres- 
ence, he felt a strong reaction of lassitude and 
loneliness. As usual, he confides freely in his 
diary : 

"December 24th — Yuma. — Brother C 

invited me to dinner to-morrow r , and I joy- 
fully accepted." 

"December 30th. — I was surprised this 

morning, near the river, to hear Mr. S , 

a Moravian, and very religious, who is here 
with a sick son, say, in talking to some men, 



74 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

that he was sorry he could not smoke when 
he had nothing to do. He had tried, but it 
affected his nerves. This seems to me like 
a giving up of principle." 

"December 31st. — There is a watch-night 
meeting at the church to-night. Wish I dared 
go. So 1897 is all but gone. The realization 
of the season is impossible here where there 
is no winter. I pray for forgiveness for sins 
of omission in 1897, and want to be more 
watchful in 1898. Vale, old year ! I have lived 
you out, and feel sanguine for 1898. The will 
of the Lord be done." 

"January 2, 1898. — At Sunday-school this 
morning was called on for the opening prayer. 
After preaching, communion followed, which 
was the second I have partaken in eighteen 
months, the other being at the New Mexico 
Mission Conference." 

"January 6th. — Spent all evening settling 
things and putting on the finishing touches. 
Am tired to-night, but satisfied with my 
three days' work, and believe mama will be 
pleased." 



STRUGGLES FOR HEALTH 75 

"January 7th. — Spent all morning working 
in the yard. Had a big bonfire, and then 
everything looked fine. Mama came safe and 
sound this evening." 

"January 12th. — Read a little, but watched 
and talked to mama as she has been sewing 
for me." 

"January 20th. — Mama started home, and 
I trust will have a safe trip, as she goes 
straight through. Have been lonesome this 
afternoon. Am tired, and have been resting 
hard. Drop back to routine work mechan- 
ically/' 

"January 27th. — This afternoon Miss S 

called a moment, and left me a nice piece of 
fruit-cake, with some magazines, also inviting 
me to call. I appreciate the kindness, for the 
rarity has made it conspicuous in my experi- 
ence." 

"January 31st. — Had a miserable night last 
night, being feverish and wakeful, waking 
three times before midnight, and twice as 
many after. Day beautiful. Rather warm, 
and no wind. No fire to-night, it being bet- 



76 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

ter for my health to sit with an ulster over 
my shoulders/' 

"February ist. — H is a great reader 

and a thoughtful, discriminating one. It 
makes me desirous of reading better when 
I see how much he gets that I do not. There 
are but few whom I meet with whom I care 
to talk about my reading, and those few rarely 
appreciate religious themes. " 

"February 6th. — Did not go to church be- 
cause of cough, fear of close air, and lack of 
energy." 

"February ioth. — Imagine my surprise 
when papa walked in on me this evening. All 
favor my going home." 



CHAPTER V 
Notes by the Way 

"The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in 
from this time forth, and even for evermore. ,, — Ps. cxxi, 8. 

"Then on ! then on ! where duty leads, 
My course be onward still." 

— Heber. 

The quotations as given in this chapter 
have been selected from letters, diaries, note- 
books, and miscellaneous writings, and reflect 
his opinions and observations on varied ques- 
tions. They cover a wide range of subjects, 
for he wrote freely and discussed topics of 
every sort — both of personal and general in- 
terest. 

Influence 

"Sometimes the greatest successes have 
been achieved when the aftermath apparently 
revealed failure. Who can tell but that the 

77 



78 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

influence following some apparently unsuc- 
cessful labor will set in motion greater agen- 
cies for the advancing of the kingdom of God 
among men than some more auspicious in 
material results? So I think we make great 
mistakes in trying to judge the value of our 
efforts for God." 

"I hope the Epworth League will gird up 
the loins of their activity. I do not know 
why it is we, as Christians, are so apathetic 
in our work unless it be we do not appreciate 
our faith and position. Surrounded by such 
materialistic influences, we seem to drift with 
them rather than vigorously oppose them. I 
speak of the generality." 

"At League meeting, Mr. S spoke of 

welcoming the strangers within our gates. 
When will we learn, as Churches and Leagues, 
that a cordial welcome to strangers will do 
more to win their attendance, and thus se- 
cure their salvation, than any other one thing? 
For how can they be helped unless they are 
present? The devil is smart here. Why not 
we? I am too loyal to my own denomiation, 



NOTES BY THE IV AY 79 

or would be tempted to make the rounds of 
the churches, and attend the one where I was 
made most welcome/' 

"I am writing this in the reading-room and 
library which I find here in Albuquerque, a 
very congenial lounging-place. It is a fine, 
large room, is quiet, well-ventilated, and has 
much current literature. Its hours are from 
1 to 10 P. M. It is the only one I have en- 
countered in the Territory. Really, there is 
positively no place for young men to spend 
their evenings in these towns except the sa- 
loon. Of these there are legion, and here one 
encounters the seductive gambling games. 
Many of these saloons are fitted up with every- 
thing to attract. I have watched the gambling 
in several places, and I do not wonder that 
so many venture money that way, for it looks 
as though they must win; but experience 
usually favors the gambler. It looks very 
much as though the devil had pretty nearly all 
the stray people here fast." 

"I think that if girls realized what an in- 
fluence for good they could exert over boys 



80 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

by kindly, sincere, and good words and ac- 
tions, more of them would endeavor to de- 
velop deeper and more womanly traits, that, 
when recognized, are such a power for good." 

Reading 

"I read over some of our grand old hymns, 
and I find some good, deep sentiments therein 
expressed. What a mistake our young people 
make in supplanting these with the doggerel 
that too often is found in newer books !" 

"I find the Bible becoming very interesting 
as I thoughtfully study it. Have just finished 
I John, looking up carefully the references 
and searching for the hidden truths. I have 
enjoyed the Bible in this way more than ever. 
I am underlining points that particularly in- 
terest me, or words that bring out the mean- 
ing most clearly. In this way I will be able 
to read any special verses without reading- 
whole chapters, for the underlining makes 
them stand out." 

"Last week I read 'Ben Hur;' now I am 
reading Smiles on 'Character/ Sunday, read 



NOTES BY THE WAY 8 1 

Fletcher's 'Perfection.' How companionable 
good reading is, for the thoughts stay by one 
all the time !" 

"That book 'Pushing to the Front' is do- 
ing me a world of good. It has the ring of 
pure gold about it. There is an inspiration 
in it that I have found in few books. I am 
not unmindful, though, that to me its sug- 
gestions are like seed falling into good 
ground. The style is clear and concise. It 
is more interesting than a novel, and is not 
heavy reading. It exactly fills a need I have 
felt for years, and I think it is what most 
young people want." 

Devotion 

"Our pastor preached us a real nourishing 
sermon yesterday from Acts iv, 31. . . . 
'And they were all filled with the Holy Ghost.' 
Such sermons really strengthen one, and 
make us better for life's duties. Lectures 
and elaborate rhetoricals in the pulpit may 
suit the casual hearer; but I go to church to 
be strengthened spiritually, and nothing does 



82 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

it like a plain, strong, gospel sermon filled 
with the Spirit." 

"I pray especially for you all, for I believe 
there is efficiency in prayer. When we need 
and ask for help, the assurance is that we 
have it. My faith and confidence in God all 
rests in Christ. My own righteousness is all 
against me, but I rest in the atonement." 

"Selling my horse is a direct answer to 
prayer. The matter has worried me much of 
late, and I laid it before God, asking for relief, 
and it has come. Bless his name !" 

"How much the Church needs the talented 
and competent young men to carry on her 
work instead of the well-meaning but in- 
efficient! Of course, all are needed, but the 
former particularly." 

"The Church needs Pentecostal Christians, 
filled with the Holy Ghost, ready for every 
good work." 

"Personally, I believe it is true that too 
little regard is now had to the sacredness of 
the Sabbath. For my part, I want to abstain 
from all known wrong, and improve the day 



NOTES BY THE WAY 83 

for spiritual growth. I want the day to be 
distinctly religious. Hence I shall abstain 
from shaving, shoe blacking, secular reading, 
riding in public conveyances, getting mail 
(this I never did), and other things commonly 
accepted as being in opposition to a really 
deep religious experience. I will try to cul- 
tivate an earnest seeking after things divine, 
and try to make each Sabbath a stepping- 
stone to bring me nearer Christ. I want to 
be consistent in refusing to do all things not 
promotive of highest spiritual edification. 
God help in my purpose to live and to do 
right regardless of surroundings! I want to 
realize my individual responsibility to God 
more and more — to do what I know to be 
right, even if I must stand alone in my action." 

6 ' Father, to do thy perfect will 
Is my supreme desire; 
Thy servant with thy Spirit fill, 
Cause me to come up higher. 

Bring me into whatever place 

That thou canst use me best; 
Bless with thine all-sufficient grace, 

And give me perfect rest." 



84 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

"Two incongruous things which occurred 
on Sunday: 

"i. A young lady, with a Bible under her 
arm, getting a drink of soda-water on her way 
home from church. 

"2. A man carrying a bag of fruit, just pur- 
chased, on Sunday, in the same, hand with a 
copy of the Sunday-school Times" 

"To-day has been a good day, and I feel 
stronger for it. I want strong spiritual food 
on Sundays, not variety." 

Casuistry 

"Why should we say grace before every 
meal? I notice few ministers or Christians 
do. I always do, but am not positive I could 
defend it ably. Why are not our thanks im- 
plicitly understood by God without constantly 
repeating them? or why should we single out 
food specially to thank God for at the time 
it is given, and not other things also at the 
time? Why is it some good men and think- 
ers do and some do not? 



NOTES BY THE WAY 85 

Faith and Perseverance 

"That I am better, considering the ex- 
posure I have seen, the weather I have passed 
through, the grub I have had, and everything, 
is exceedingly gratifying. I am glad for the 
experience, but am resolved to profit by it 
by not repeating it. This experience, summed 
up, is that New Mexico climate is not so very 
superior to interior and Southern California. 
Days for days, by actual comparison, my ob- 
servation has reconciled me to Southern Cali- 
fornia, climatically, and that is the only way 
there is any correct comparison." 

"If Brother O could know how dis- 
couraged I get occasionally I think he would 
discount my 'bravery.' I do not think that I 
am doing much, if any more, than any one 
would for life, so that makes rather a selfish 
struggle out of it. 'Fight on' is a good motto 
Dr. Buckley gave me. I am like a brakeless 
wagon on a hill — must keep fighting ahead, 
or there will be descent." 

"I can contemplate any phase of possible 



86 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

occurrence now with the calmest quiet. It is a 
revelation to me how calmly I can now con- 
sider the greatest questions that a year ago 
I approached with trepidation. My faith in 
God's providence and my confidence in Christ 
have deepened and been working a peace none 
the less sure because unperceived at each step 
of growth. My foundation is sure, and the 
everlasting arms are around me, and I can 
fear no evil. Praise the Lord for his work 
in me!" 

"Like Abraham, I have no continuing city, 
but I believe it is as well so under the cir- 
cumstances. I believe I have given every 
place where I have been a fair trial, and do 
not feel any compunction when compelled, 
in my judgment, to pass on. I never will be 
satisfied until I get to California, and once 
there, will stay and die there, but not till good 
old age comes if I can help it. So every move 
is gratifying." 

Correspondence 

"Your letter to me came this afternoon. 
Glad you are well and busy, both real bless- 



NOTES BY THE WAY 87 

ings which we do not appreciate at near their 
worth while we are in their full enjoyment, 
I fear, judging from personal experience." 

"What a dreary world this would be if our 
only mode of communication with each other 
were the voice and personal presence! How 
the pen and mail-carrier have come to add to 
life's pleasures and open a channel for love 
and inspiration to flow to the absent! The 
traveler, often lonesome and footsore, finds 
letters from home the best balm for his body 
and heart. What uneasiness the absence of 
loved ones would cause if no medium offered 
its ready and rapid help to bridge the distance ! 
The pen and post are among the best products 
of civilization." 

Christian Optimism 

"Thanks be to God, for his hand is in this 
matter. He is my dependence and my sup- 
porter. I rejoice in the gains; for they indi- 
cate, if continued, that God is raising me up 
for usefulness." 

"Spiritually and every other way I am an 
optimist. I can not help but be. Any one 



88 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

experiencing the blessings God has been giv- 
ing me lately could not help it. I am as sure 
of my title to heaven, through Christ's mercy, 
as I am of present existence/' 

"My one desire in life is that I may fill the 
place God would have me fill day by day. I 
know my trouble has been, and is, overlook- 
ing the day before me, in a measure, and an- 
ticipating the future. To wait — how hard it 
is, and yet how necessary that we let God 
unfold our lives instead of trying to force 
things! How easy to question, why this, or 
why that, in our lives! I want to learn the 
lesson of patience, and so will take it now, 
while on the desert. I am beginning to get 
more reconciled to my position in life, and 
am looking at it philosophically. I firmly be- 
lieve in the ruling of God over this material 
world. If he has work for me, he will allow 
me to prepare myself for it. I have committed 
myself fully to him, and am content to let him 
direct. He knows my heart's desire, and I 
am satisfied to leave my case with him. My 
prayer is really and truly, 'Thy will be done.' 



NOTES BY THE WAY 89 

What contentment there is when our lives are 
hid with Christ in God ! I do rejoice in son- 
ship." 

"To-day I have been busy. The day has 
been busy, and hence I have been happy. 
Duty well done is happiness." 

"Some of the people here think the com- 
ing of Christ is very near. I have never 
thought very much on the subject; but it 
seems to me that the earth has only been par- 
tially developed, and that we are in but the 
infancy of history, when we contemplate how 
little we know of natural forces and that we 
are only making real progress now." 

"To-day has been beautiful. There is just 
such sunshine in my soul, and I can appreciate 
the beauty of nature now as never before; and, 
looking behind nature, I see Nature's God, 
and how lovely! At church this morning I 
sat on the very front seat, for now I am going 
to be a front-seat Christian." 

"My faith takes a tighter hold on God, and 
I feel inspired for days to come. Our God 
is an ever-present one." 



90 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

"I can't tell you how absorbed I am becom- 
ing with religion. I am learning what it is 
to have communion with God. All through 
the day my thought dwells on some phase of 
his work." 

"Every day the gospel grows more glorious 
to me, and my relations with God are dearer. 
I am continually getting clearer glimpses of 
Him who died for me, and who intercedes for 
me with the Father. It is glorious, and far 
exceeds previous expectations. A service of 
love soon eliminates fear of the law, I find. My 
experience is, 'I am crucified with Christ; 
nevertheless I live, yet not I, but Christ liveth 
in me, and the life which I now live in the flesh 
I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved 
me and gave himself for me/ Thanks be unto 
God for his unspeakable gift !" 

"I do n't think the usual run of people fall 
into places that entirely fit them to begin with. 
After we get our aim, all we can do is to shoot 
at it. If we make up our minds as to a course 
we will pursue, I believe getting in line means 
reaching the height of our ambition, sooner 



NOTES BY THE WAY 9 1 

than waiting, ready to drop into the vacant 
place we want when it is vacant, providing 
for the contingency, if we can drop." 

"I was so surprised at the suddenness of 

Brother C 's death. In the prime of life, 

with such good ability, it seems unexplain- 
able. How uncertain life is! The most un- 
expected ones give way, w r hile those whose 
lives hang in the balance often reach three- 
score years and ten. As I think more of life 
and its mysteries, and of the great future, the 
fear of death is lacking to me. While it is 
good to live, yet to Christians death should 
not be so awful, since it is but entering upon 
a larger and more peaceful life. If it were 
not for our relations to others and the obli- 
gations we owe their happiness, I think we 
would often long for the cessation of life's 
inequalities. The hope of the great hereafter 
gives me assurance such as enables me to feel 
'Thy will be done' in all things concerning me." 
True Perspective 

"Fear is cowardice. It has no place in a 
Christian life. Faith and love must over- 



92 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

power and cast it out. A pure heart is es- 
sential to the driving out of fear. Any hid- 
den sin cultivates fear. We should be honest 
in our religion, so that we can look our own 
self honestly in the face. Then we need fear 
no man. We must realize the grandness of 
our religion, believe and feel its truth and its 
manliness, then we will not cowardly treat 
it as a small thing. O Time! O Eternity! 
How the former blinds us to the vastness of 
the latter ! What a depth of thought lies be- 
hind those two words, and how important that 
our limited comprehension should be true so 
far as it goes !" 

"I see that it does not pay to trust feelings 
in regular duties; but one should follow con- 
victions of judgment regardless of feelings." 

"I am learning by degrees to live to-day, 
and to leave the next day's work until it is 
to-day's." 

"To-day I pass my twenty-first milestone. 
Now law recognizes me as a man. I do not 
feel more manly than before. Life is marked 
by epochs rather than years, it seems to me, 



NOTES BY THE WAY 93 

and they disregard years. Am thankful to 
have lived so long. God is good to me." 

"How overwhelmingly does an eternity 
with Christ overbalance an uncertain space, 
at most threescore and ten years, of sensual 
pleasure, with the sting unremoved! Dear 
Father, I want to embody in my life all Chris- 
tian virtues. Thou knowest my frailties, but 
thou hast promised to be my strength. 'I can 
do all things through Christ, which strength- 
ened me.' So, leaning on this assurance, I will 
lead a life which will include these elements. 
Help me to realize, if I live each moment 
aright, that thou dost put all together and 
build character. We do n't live our life all 
at once, but merely fragments of it day by day, 
which, when completed, comprise life." 



CHAPTER VI 

Extracts from Letters Home — 
Growth in Faith 

"Conflicts bring experience, and experience brings that 
growth in grace which is not attained by any other means." 

— Spurgeon. 

Early in life, writing was easy and natural 
to Will. During the years of his absence from 
home, letters opened a ready and accurate 
means of expressing his thoughts and obser- 
vations. Every perplexity was freely and fully 
put on paper. The extracts from letters which 
follow are from those written to his parents 
or sister. Only enough of these are given to 
furnish the reader a faithful transcript of the 
phases of thought through which he passed, 
with his conclusions. 

By reference to the notes concerning his 
life, as given in connection with the diaries, 

94 



EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS 95 

time, place, and circumstances will easily be 
traced. These extracts are only a tithe of the 
number which these years brought to the fire- 
side, and added no little comfort and edifica- 
tion to those from whom his enforced absence 
was a sore trial. 

"November n, 1894 — Redlands, Cal. — Will 
do as you say about confessing Christ through 
my letters. I feel that I am making advance- 
ment daily. I am willing to do anything for 
Christ that he will lead me into. Am so glad 
I have lightened your hearts by my course, 
and want to help you. I will, by publicly con- 
fessing my allegiance to Christ, and privately, 
as may seem best, so identify myself as his 
disciple that the retreat shall be speedily 
closed. My life is his for service. This I have 
now vowed, and each day finds my love for 
him increasing. I can now see why I never 
succeeded religiously before. I did not have 
the power. Now I am conscious of a salvation 
that saves from sin, and gives peace, happi- 
ness, and overflowing joy." 

(His experience immediately following this 



96 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

will be found in his letter to his cousin, 
Chapter XL) 

"December 4th. — I am hanging on by 
faith to the promises of God, and find great 
help in various ways. My thoughts are being 
directed into new channels, and I view things 
very differently from what I once did. I know 
God has cleansed me from sin and given me 
a new heart, and I am writing my good news 
in every letter. The devil is after me, and I 
find him watching me very closely. He tells 
me I have only thought I have come into a 
new experience, and I find myself on my guard 
continually. Sometimes I have feeling, and 
often not, but am claiming full salvation by 
faith, and trusting God for the emotional ex- 
perience. I have a feeling that God wants me 
for the ministry if he restores my health, and 
I have made up my mind fully that if he does 
restore my health and opens the way, I will 
follow his directions in this respect. As I 
see the possibilities of life I have a greater 
desire than ever to live, and yet, if it should be 
his will otherwise, I can face death unflinch- 



EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS 97 

ingly; for death has lost its sting, and I know 
that cessation of life on earth is only leaving 
an inferior sphere for one of immaculate 
glory. Paul's words, 'For me to live is Christ, 
to die is gain,' express my feelings exactly. 
Glory to God for a redemption so full and 
free! As I have been carefully and prayer- 
fully reading Arthur's 'Tongue of Fire,' I 
have been wonderfully held and thrilled. Not 
long ago such reading would have been prosy; 
now it is delightful. I have been making 
notes on helpful passages. So far as I have 
read, I have been very much impressed with 
the necessity of being filled with the Holy 
Ghost. I do have a consciousness of God's 
presence with me, and it thrills me with happi- 
ness I can not express. I am sure my feet 
are on the Rock, and, come what will, I am 
safe. Some way or other, I feel God has some 
field of usefulness for me to fill, and that he 
is going to spare me to fill it. The hymns 
commencing, "Lord, in the strength of 
grace," and "My times are in thy hand," ex- 
press my position." 
7 



98 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

After quoting a large number of Scripture 
passages which had been of great value to 
him in his personal experience, he says: 

"December ioth. — If we can claim these 
promises to us personally, we should find 
relief from all cares. It is not bringing 
our burdens to God, but leaving them 
there, that relieves us. That was impressed 
upon me by a chapter in the 'Christian's 
Secret/ I believe if you would cast all your 
cares upon him, and believe that he takes 
them, you would find rest. Our weakness is 
his strength. The slip you sent me, 'Perfect 
through Suffering,' is perhaps good; but I 
do n't believe that necessarily 'by causing suf- 
fering he does it to bring us close to him/ I 
think that suffering does naturally bring us 
nearer Christ, but much of it we can trace as 
natural results of natural causes." 

"December 21st. — I want you each to get 
something you want as a Christmas memento 
from me. I will be disappointed if you do n't. 
Tell me what you each get. Ten per cent of 



EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS 99 

the thirty dollars is the tithe the Lord gets; 
for such is to be my rule in life. Of course, 
I '11 give it by the usual collections/' 

"December 22d. — This Christmas will have 
more significance to me than any previous 
one; for a realization of what Christ's death on 
Calvary has made possible for me and for all 
comes to me now with great force. I am so 
thankful that I know so much of the lowly 
Christ, and that I have been taught to revere 
him and his teachings, although I have not 
always done so. Thanks be to God, that time 
is forever past! Instead of finding it a cross 
to confess him, it is now a pleasure, and I lose 
no opportunity of doing so. Once there was 
indefiniteness about things religious; but now, 
as I have read, listened, and followed the bid- 
ding of the Holy Ghost, I have come into a 
high and heavenly and real heart-religion. No 
longer all head, but now a mixture, with a 
predominance of heart. I realized there was 
nothing I could do to merit heart-cleansing, 
so I threw myself unreservedly on God's prom- 
ts C. 



IOO A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

ises, and claimed this sanctification by faith. 
He immediately brought me peace, and since 
then I have held on by faith, and his presence 
abides with me." 

"December 31st. — As I look back over the 
year while I write, and the events stand out 
before my eyes, I can see how much I have 
to be thankful for, how good God has been 
to me, and how he has guided me and opened 
out the way before me. As a particular case 
of Providential direction I call up the trip 
papa and I took to the mountains, and how 
the way opened for me to go there. And so 
other incidents come to mind, and all make 
me feel how deeply I am indebted to God. 
I am so glad that I can enter upon the new 
year (D. V.) with an eye single to God's glory, 
a body and soul sanctified from sin, and a de- 
termination to live as close to God as is pos- 
sible. With the new year I have no table 
of resolutions to formulate; for I am living 
daily as consistent a Christian life as I can. 
I recognize the leadings of the Spirit, and, to 
some degree, his presence. I am learning to 



EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS IOI 

lean upon him for daily needs. There is 
great satisfaction to me in the thought that 
I live by the moment, not day by day, or week 
by week. I see new things daily in his 
Word. I know by the peace that passeth un- 
derstanding, by the change he has wrought 
in my thoughts, my motives, and actions, that 
he dwells in me. The Christianity and happi- 
ness I seek is practical, which shows forth in 
the life a practical power that uplifts men and 
sets them to correcting themselves and help- 
ing others. 

"January 3, 1895. — I made my first pastoral 

call New-Year's afternoon for Rev. I . 

I do feel drawn to the ministry, and if God 
raises me up from this sickness, I will follow 
his bidding. I have no plans except as he di- 
rects. Have felt that I was losing valuable 
time being out of school, and so want to im- 
prove it in the most helpful way. When I am 
restored to health, you can rest assured I will 
need no spurring on to go to school. I real- 
ize how much I have to learn, and am only 
anxious to get at it. 



102 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

' The children of the Lord 
Have a right to shout and sing, 

For the way is growing bright, 
And our souls are on the wing. 

Glory to God ! Hallelujah !' 

This is my experience. Brighter and better. 
I am getting closer to the throne each day, 
and feel my power increasing. How rich the 
Bible is in promises, and how appropriately 
they fit into our experience, helping us to 
clinch facts !" 

"January 28th. — During the last week, I 
am afraid, I have been needlessly burdened 
with care for myself. As I have been thinking 
of the proper course to be followed physically, 
I have thought anxiously of my body, more 
than I ought, and have loosened my faith in 
God as a bodily preserver. Now, as I see my 
lack of faith, I have thrown myself more en- 
tirely upon him. My body, diseased though 
it is, is his; and I am relying on him to guide 
me into the way he wants me to go. I am go- 
ing to follow the course that seems best to 
us, and then trust him to do the rest. Life 
is so sweet, and I do want to be spared to 



EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS I03 

honor him in my body. Nevertheless, I can 
say, 'Thy will be done;' for he knows best. 
As I see things now, this moment, I have 
been wishing to hurry myself, physically, men- 
tally, and spiritually. Growth is by degrees, 
and I will try to drive that into my mind. 
Great as has been my advance in spiritual mat- 
ters in the last few weeks, it seems to me that 
I am more and more deficient. I want a faith 
that will lift me above the surrounding cir- 
cumstances, which are so variable, and make 
me conquer in all things. Though I realize 
God is with me, and is all in all, yet I hunger 
for higher places in Christ. Is it not natural 
for a truly sanctified person to have these 
cravings? Do we need to doubt the genuine- 
ness of the work of sanctification because the 
heavens sometimes are as brass above us? I 
have in no way been retrograding since I 
pressed into the kingdom; but with increased 
knowledge I see my shortcomings. My one 
desire is to honor Christ by my life, and strive 
daily to do it. He does help me in my life/ 5 
"February 2d. — Since writing in my last of 



104 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

my determination to stick by my present 
course, I laid the matter before God, and de- 
termined to leave it there, and since then have 
enjoyed peace. I am just as conscious of his 
taking the burden as I can be, and will leave 
the present and future to him, trusting him 
entirely, and accepting whatever comes as his 
bidding.'' 

"February 14th. — In my religious life the 
question continually comes up, since James 
says, 'Faith without works is dead,' I am 
wondering what 'works/ in my case, sur- 
rounded as I am, would mean? I want to live 
a consistent, practical Christian life; to keep 
myself free from impurity of thought and 
deed, and to act as I know I should. But is 
this enough? What should be my attitude 
towards my fellow creatures? How advance 
Christ's cause among those with whom I am 
brought into contact? All this is very new 
to me, to be personally seeking to advance 
Christianity, and I hardly know how I should 
go at it. As to arguing, I hardly feel that I 
am on secure enough a base of spiritual 



EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS 105 

knowledge. Experimentally I can speak. I 
want to be of use now; for the present is all 
the time we are sure of. How to render the 
best service gives me more questioning than 
any yet encountered. I see my imperfections 
more each day, and am afraid that they must 
be so apparent as to hinder my usefulness. I 
pray God that he may help me in my weak- 
ness and make me strong by his power. I am 
trying to break from slang [he used very little 
of it] and superfluous verbiage. I find it hard, 
and am so often overcome, but still strive on. 
As I read in Psalm xvii, 3, the other day, 'I 
am purposed that my mouth shall not trans- 
gress.' In trying to live consistently in the 
sight of different-tempered persons, I feel 
somewhat of a restraint and unnaturalness. I 
am so very careful on all points that it is at 
the expense of a perfectly natural manner. 
On the subjects of innocent sports and a good 
time I agree with some who are not so spe- 
cially religious, and disagree with some who 
are more mystical and not, to me, so prac- 
tical. Perhaps the latter may think me frivo- 



I06 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

lous. I want to live my profession consistently 
before both classes; but to do so causes re- 
straint. How can I remedy it? I want to live 
a happy Christian." 

"March 21st. — The past two weeks have 
been trying ones to me in different ways. 
First, the changeable weather has been wear- 
ing; then 'Nothing-to-do' has got in its deadly 
work. My ambition has been temporarily 
overcome, and I have had to fight gloomy 
thoughts; and yet withal I have a firm hold on 
Christ, and trust him to bring all out for the 
best. Were it not for my hope in Christ and 
hope in his promises, I must have long since 
become discouraged. How blessed are his 
promises that strengthen us for the dark hours 
of trial and weakness ! I have tasted and seen 
that the Lord is good, and now, when the 
clouds seem dark, feel no desire to distrust 
him. Rather, I feel my needs more, and am 
being brought closer to him. That beautiful 
hymn in our Hymnal commencing 'How 
gentle God's commands/ is so full of com- 
fort to me. New truths and new meanings 



EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS 107 

constantly flash over my understanding, bring- 
ing in with them light and hope." 

In closing his monthly testimony to the 
young people, he says : "I am very much in- 
terested in the meetings in progress, and am 
praying that during them my young friends 
may be led into the deeper experience, where 
love, not law, is the controlling power in their 
Christian lives. Then service is a delight, and 
an abiding peace displaces fear and doubt." 



CHAPTER VII 

Letters Continued — Self-Revelations 

To me alone there came a thought of grief: 
A timely utterance gave that thought relief, 
And I again am strong. — WORDSWORTH. 

July 5, 1895 — Santa Cruz Mountains, — 
Within the past few weeks since my sickness, 
I have fully given everything to God in a re- 
newed, sweeping consecration. That sickness 
was an eye-opener to me in many respects. 
It showed me principally that, theoretically, 
my faith in God was great; but in the prac- 
tical test I was lacking. I was fully sincere, 
as I have been always since November 4, '94; 
but, for some reason or other, my faith re- 
fused, because of my unbelief, to lift me up 
into the blessedness that might have been 
mine then. Ever since, as my eyes have been 
opened to the weak places, I have looked at 

the matter as it is, and where I sinned through 

108 



SELF-REVELATIONS 109 

unbelief, have condemned that in me; and with 
Christ's aid and the Holy Spirit I am build- 
ing a practical, tried structure on a solid foun- 
dation that can and will stand any vicissitudes. 
I believe in being honest with myself and call- 
ing and confessing sins by their right names 
instead of trying to cover them; so I have 
made up my mind to keep close watch on my- 
self, and keep close to the practical in religion. 
I am going to try and test all that is reason- 
able in advanced Christianity, proving and 
holding on to what I find is good. I want a 
solid Christianity that I can recommend to 
others, saying so and so is so, because I have 
tried it and know. I think there is a tend- 
ency, among evangelists particularly, to en- 
courage people to claim more than they have, 
especially regarding sanctification. I think 
that for people who are ignorant, compara- 
tively speaking, to claim the highest blessing 
of Christianity without understanding its ex- 
tent, as is clearly shown by too many lives that 
belie the claims put forth, is wrong and dis- 
creditable to the cause. I think I forfeited 



IIO A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

my claim to that experience by ignorant un- 
belief when sickness tested me. But since 
then, with increased light and intelligence on 
the subject, I have confessed my shortcom- 
ings, and by faith have again come into the 
experience. I might, however, if I had not 
been so determined to learn to profit by my 
failure, and to push on, have concluded that 
I had never enjoyed the experience, or else 
had forfeited it through sin. My own expe- 
rience, you see, has been the means of turn- 
ing me towards my opinion to test and under- 
stand before I undertake new opportunities 
and professions. 

"Will such a policy be apt to bring me un- 
der condemnation as being slow to believe? 
I intend always to be progressive and to aim 
at the highest attainments in a modest way, 
but find I have a disposition to look into 
and understand and weigh new problems care- 
fully before incorporating them into my ex- 
perience or claims. I do n't doubt funda- 
mentals nor discredit orthodoxy in the least, 
but I do want to know all the whys and where- 



SELF- RE VELA TIO NS III 

fores about things. I will tell you why. Be- 
sides, for my own satisfaction, I want a reason 
for the faith that is in me, so that I can con- 
fidently back up my position with good argu- 
ments and proofs, in order that I may intelli- 
gently persuade men to Christ. It takes me 
aback to have persons question me about 
things I ought to know in religion, and find 
me ignorant, and it impairs my usefulness; 
for I can not talk to many as I would like 
to about their souls, since I could be so easily 
tripped up, that they would say they did not 
care to follow myths, imaginations, and the 
like. I realize the necessity of being thor- 
oughly posted on all religious claims if we 
are going to convince people of the reality of 
religion. I think the tendency is to vague- 
ness in religious instruction. Perhaps I might 
better say that too much phraseology is used 
in it that seems rather expressionless; but 
really when we try to get at it, we do n't know 
just where we are. For instance, in the verse, 
'Changed from glory into glory,' I had an 
idea I knew what that meant, but, while often 



112 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

repeating it, it never had other than an inde- 
finable, hazy meaning. I have since learned, 
to my increased edification, it means, 
'Changed from character to character/ Our 
ideas of religion will never be correct or help- 
ful until we put them in the simplest possible 
form. I believe one should be an intelligent 
Christian, claiming nothing he does not posi- 
tively possess. The whole trend of my mind 
is along theological lines. I feel assured that 
God calls me to work for him, and I have be- 
gun. If he spares my life and raises me to 
health, he is to have the benefit of my best 
devotion in any way he opens up. I do not 
say, 'Lord, make me well, and I will serve 
you;' but, 'Lord, here I am for service. Use 
me to-day, to-morrow, all the time. My life 
is thine forever, whether for six months or 
sixty years.' I believe God orders my life. 
I accept everything as from him. I can not 
begin to express the happiness full and over- 
flowing that this glorious Christ brings me. 
An ever-present Comforter removes all my 
loneliness. What changes have come in my 



SELF-RE VELA TIONS 1 1 3 

life ! Then it was uneasiness, despondency, 
aimlessness, and general dejection; now it is 
happiness, definiteness of aim, family love, 
good conscience, and a firm hope of eternal 
life. What has wrought the change? Noth- 
ing but the love of God shed abroad in my 
heart. Anything that can make such a change 
in me in nine months is real. It is true, 'If 
any man will do his will, he shall know of the 
doctrine.' My plan is, if health permits, to get 
a first-class classical education, and then bend 
every effort to use my talents for Christ. That 
is my ambition, and with it as an incentive, 
beckoning me upward, I think I am ready, 
and even now fighting my disease with an iron 
will. I am beginning to get Dr. Buckley's 
determination, not to die. 'Never say die!' 
must be my new motto." 

"July 15th. — The past three months, includ- 
ing my sickness, have been of great progress. 
I have seen myself in clearer light than ever 
before, and also gotten correct views of what 
is necessary to make me closer in resemblance 
to my Divine Pattern and the cause of failure 



114 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

before. Better than all, I have the determina- 
tion to eradicate all that is sinful at whatever 
cost to self. I have come closer to Christ in 
thought and life, and the contact has brought 
greater happiness than ever. I am learning 
that the Christian pathway is ever an ascent. 
Like a wagon going up hill, it must be kept 
advancing, or it will retrograde. These 
things that are trying to the flesh I am be- 
ginning to recognize as stepping-stones to 
higher attainments. They have been weights 
heretofore, holding me down; but now I see 
that they may be the means of developing 
my character. I am learning the lesson of 
being content with my lot in life, and to make 
the most of it, knowing it is the way God in- 
tended for me." 

* 'August 1 2 th. — My lonely life has made 
my nature more sensitive. My thoughts are 
very active, and make me discerning. I can 
not help it. I live largely by myself, you 
folks being my only confidants. I keep my 
own counsel, and no one knows much of me, 
excepting my own family and a few corre- 



SELF-RE VELA TIONS 1 1 5 

spondents. I am slow to make friends, feel- 
ing my time is better spent with good books. 
I am becoming an excellent judge of human 
nature, taking much pleasure in studying 
those I meet, and getting from them all the 
information I can. I see no gain in talking 
to outsiders about my health; for, as a rule, 
they could do me no good, and it is depress- 
ing to be condoled with. Then I want, as 
far as possible, to forget myself and disease. 
I am sure my sickness did me good. True, 
I am behind in school knowledge, but ahead 
in character. I have learned to scorn all 
wrong, and, without boasting, except to give 
God the glory, can say I have lived an upright, 
correct life since last November. I have not 
willfully done wrong." 

"August 15th. — I am spiritually standing 
with naked faith on a naked promise. I know 
whom I have believed, but he seems to have 
withdrawn his presence from me for a time. 
I am off the mountain and in the valley. I am 
not discouraged, for I know he is behind the 
cloud; and when it is removed his presence 



Il6 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

will only be the brighter and nearer. The past 
week has been a very trying one to me. It 
has shown me my weakness; for I never sup- 
posed I could so lose my self-control. It is 
that which hurts me. I am so glad Jesus took 
upon himself our nature, so that he can sym- 
pathize with us and understand us fully. 
Sometimes I do feel so lonely. Your letters 
are such a help to me." 

"September 2d. — In my religious experi- 
ence I know that feelings are not reliable; 
but I think that there is a peace and quietness 
that is fairly reliable, and when that is gone 
something is wrong. All is peace and quiet 
in my heart. I have had a conflict, the nature 
of which you can not know, but have gained 
the victory. It came yesterday, and now I 
am resolutely looking to God for help to con- 
tinue." 

"September 17th. — I have been growing in 
grace wonderfully this last week. My read- 
ing has enlightened me and helped me into 
brighter light. Am trying to incorporate my 
new ideas into my life as soon as I am satis- 



SELF- RE VELA TIONS 1 1 7 

fied that they are helpful and practicable. 
What blessed companionship good books are ! 
I do so appreciate them, and have determined 
never to waste my time on light reading. Am 
thankful that I never acquired the habit of 
trashy reading and never filled my mind with 
rubbish. I do enjoy my quiet hours of read- 
ing each day. God's Word is now a delight 
to me, and also prayer — the outpouring of my 
sympathetic soul to God's great heart. The 
kingdom of God is now in my heart, so I 
merely breathe a thought to God, and he 
hears. O, the blessedness of this assurance! 
Please tell me how your call to the ministry 
came. I want to learn on this point." 

"December 12th — Palm Springs, Cal. — I 
think it is a fact that, in spite of all our ideas 
of what we wish we were and had, we will find 
hereafter, when Sve shall know as we are 
known/ that God has ordered our steps in all 
regards. It is within our province even here 
to gladly accept that as a fact ; and so, 'giving 
thanks always,' we can go through life cheer- 
fully and happily, giving and receiving sun- 



Il8 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

shine, living continually 'in the sunshine of 
our Lord/ I am learning some glorious les- 
sons out here with my 'ever-present Friend/ 
I feel happy and can shout for joy at all times. 
This, I know, is because the 'love of God is 
shed abroad in my heart by the Holy Ghost/ 
and I have thrown and keep every obstacle 
down. My prayer and constant thought is, 
'All for Jesus;' 'None of self, but all of thee/ 
I can see the evidence of his favor, but am 
conscious of no feeling of the change. This 
proves to me that by the work we know him. 
The presence of Christ in us is not marked by 
any physical effects; but, thanks be to him, by 
a steady growth in spiritual things we can 
realize him by his work in us. You are right. 
We can not argue Christ; we can but show 
what he does, and let his works speak. If man 
goes behind them and scorns, all the talking 
we can do will not avail. The world seems 
brighter to me than ever. I have tossed over 
all burdens and cares, and they are g*one to 
stay. I am making a determined and cheer- 



SELF- RE VELA TIONS 1 1 9 

ful fight for health and success in life, and 
feel strangely certain I shall have them." 

"December 20th. — The place does not 
make the man, but the man the place. With 
a baptism of fire and originality in method, 
one's possibilities are not limited. Wise ad- 
vertising to get the people, and then a 
straightforward, convincing, simple gospel to 
hold them, are the things I incline to. If the 
key to success is nearness to God, what is to 
hinder that approach? My faith is growing 
in intensity, and I want to get where I can 
believe every 'thus saith the Lord/ " 

"December 23d. — I wish you a Merry 
Christmas. I can only send love to you each, 
and tell you that I want to help you make the 
ensuing year the happiest of life. I think 
happiness lies more in appreciation of and 
thankfulness for what we have than in the 
acquisition of all we wish. We have the prom- 
ise, 'All things w r ork together for good,' and 
I believe it. Personally I feel more aban- 
doned to God than ever and perfectly satisfied 



120 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

to leave everything to him. My Christmas 
message is, 'Cheer up!' There are many 
things we know not now, but we 'shall know 
hereafter/ " 

"December 30th. — Am beginning to feel 
better in spirits and over that depression of 
last week. In counting my mercies, I try to 
be contented. This is a trial of my faith. I 
will not be lacking. A fruitful cause of 
my feeling of discontent lies in too much as- 
sociation with the guests, who will talk of their 
troubles. Sick people are pessimistic, as a 
rule. The tendency is so great that one must 
fight hard to keep cheerful. This is in itself 
hard enough; but keep the spirits depressed 
by complainings from the outside, and how 
the burden is increased ! So it may be I shall 
have to keep aloof. At any rate, I shall place 
the ban on sick-talk, and, if it does no good, 
I '11 withdraw my company." 

"January 2, 1896. — The conditions here 
are not perfect, but more so than any point I 
can find for the winter. The difficulty is to 
keep busy. I plan my time now fully in ad- 



SELF-RE VELA TIONS 121 

vance, so that I have no idle time for Satan 
to work with. My will has come to my res- 
cue, and I can say, 'I can do all things 
through Christ, which strengthened me.' As 
long as externals remain favorable, I will see, 
with Divine help, that internal conditions are 
not at fault. God 'is a very present help in 
trouble/ In no other way can I account for 
the change that has come over me. Where 
I was halting and unsettled before, now I am 
contented and rejoicing in triumph. Reading 
Parker's Bible is a great help. In connection 
with his summary of Abraham's call to leave 
his kindred was this thought: 'I would be 
where God wills. With his blessing the des- 
ert shall be as the fruitful field; without it the 
fruitful field shall mock my appetite, which it 
tempts, and the rivers shall be as blood in my 
mouth.' This came to me in my time of un- 
rest, and seemed like such a direct message 
that it has been a great comfort. I have tran- 
scribed it and pinned it to my wall, where I 
see it many times a day. Your letter of the 
30th is full of good seed-thoughts for con- 



122 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

sideration. My one desire in life is that I 
may fill the place God would have me fill day 
by day. I know my trouble has been and is 
overlooking the day before me, in a measure, 
and anticipating the future. This morning I 
walked out about a mile to an alfalfa-field, 
where is a house and a seat. There, in soli- 
tude, I had a blessed season of singing and 
prayer. Heaven came down my soul to greet, 
and glory crowned my extemporized mercy- 
seat. I have been better and happier all day 
for my half hour up there. I shall make that 
my regular morning walk for a time, and there 
rest alone with God. This surely is the best 
kind of preparation for either life, mortal or 
immortal. I am ready for either. Blessed 
be his name !" 

" January 13th. — It sometimes seems to me 
that the loneliness is unbearable. I will try 
to profit by your suggestions. The lessons 
you mention are hard. To forget myself is 
impossible without Divine help. There is no 
work of any kind I can get to do. Sometimes . 
my religious life seems unreal, and it taxes my 



SELF-REVELATIONS 1 23 

strength to hold fast. Naked faith is all I 
have now. I cling to it, however, and trust 
God for aid. He knows me, and I believe, in 
spite of feeling. 'O God,' my heart cries out, 
'help me, or I fail!' I believe he will; but 
the struggle is hard. Pray for me, that I may 
remain steadfast. I need your counsels and 
help; for here I get none. Give me thoughts 
to think on. I never have experienced such 
loneliness as here. I am hungry for friends 
and religious opportunities; but I feel in- 
wardly that I have an opportunity to learn 
valuable lessons. I want to do so." 



CHAPTER VIII 

Letters Concluded — Loneliness, 
Conflicts, Victory 

To resign ourselves in suffering to the will of our Heav- 
enly Father is to sit down on the throne of his Son. 

— Greenwood. 

"August 9, 1896 — Las Vegas, New Mexico. 
— Things seem so very quiet here that I have 
feelings of loneliness. Yesterday I spent quite 
a while looking at your pictures, and wonder- 
ing how you were each engaged, and wishing 
I might be with you. I tell you it takes grace 
to be patient sometimes. I do so yearn for 
the advantages that home affords. There is 
such a deep hungering in my heart for home 
and what it would be now. When the reali- 
zation of my heart's ideal is nearer a reality 
than ever before, I am further away. What 
queer contradictions our lives are, and yet 
planned and directed by a kind Providence! 

124 



LONELINESS, CONFLICTS, VICTORY 1 25 

What faith it calls for to always believe it! 
Now, my greatest stumbling-block — strange 
what blocks some of us erect to fall over — is 
removed. My interior and real life looks out 
upon an unclouded sky. Doubt is gone, and 
I feel that the past year, while apparently a 
retrograde, marks a deeper work than ever. 
I have traversed paths we all do sometimes, I 
believe, and have been delivered and brought 
out into a higher place. The experience has 
not been lost. It makes me stronger. I feel 
this way now — as though I had been spirit- 
ually connected with a spring. The devil had, 
by temptation, been pressing the spring to- 
gether. When closely compressed, his power 
is withdrawn, and, with the impetus of a 
pent-up spring, I have been shot forward. 
That best illustrates my feelings. Now I have 
a deep faith, with intelligence. I know my 
weaknesses. Head and heart must go to- 
gether. The Lord has blessed me wonder- 
fully, and I feel encouraged. I intend to cul- 
tivate a deep, earnest submission to Christ, 
and depend upon his leadership. Am ready 



126 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

to be used. There is a good field for work 
here, and a work I can do, I believe. My ex- 
periences are vivid, and furnish me caution, 
so I believe in the light of the past I am in 
the right place in God's own time. There is 
a fit time for everything; and God knows, in 
my imperfect way, I have, for over twenty 
months, tried to follow his leadings. There 
is a work for me in life, and I yearn to do it. 
I will use every energy and will to live. I will 
pray, 'as though all depended upon God (as it 
does), and work as though it all rested on 
me/ as some one aptly put it. I am fully re- 
signed to God's will; but if importunity and 
determined will are factors, both are aroused 
in me. Prayer, meditation, Bible-reading, and 
general, sensible reasoning are responsible for 
my awakening. Then, too, getting into a 
suitable climate has put me into the way. 
Physical reacts on mental inner being. As 
you once said, my salvation, physical and spir- 
itual, are closely interlinked. I believe it, and 
now I will do my part to prosper both." 



LONELINESS, CONFLICTS, VICTORY 1 27 

"September ioth — Rociada, New Mexico. 
— I am now regarded as a true Christian by 
all my immediate associates; for a conversa- 
tion the other day showed me the light in 
which I am considered. I lose no opportunity 
to put in a word for the right, and I pray it 
may be as bread cast upon the waters." 

"October 13th. — I spend my time quietly. 
Do some hunting, but am not doing much 
that would deplete strength. My studies are 
my hardest work, and those I circumscribe to 
keep within bounds. I have a real passion for 
study; and if I am, as I hope to be, permitted 
to re-engage in scholastic pursuits, sometime 
I will appreciate the opportunities. I often 
think of you at home, and my thoughts and 
prayers are with and for you. Life surely is 
a mystery. As I retrospect my thoughts at 
times, I find many things at which to wonder. 
Why? is often on my lips; but I know all is 
for the best. My hope is that our stormy days 
are over for a time, and that we may soon en- 
joy a happy future together. It is not in 



128 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

my heart to complain at my lot, but to thank- 
fully receive His blessings and trust him to 
lead me and keep me close to himself.'' 

"October 25th. — The condition of things 
is very much as usual with us here. Potatoes 
were dug before the storm. To-morrow will 
see the commencement of work on the grain, 
and it will be pushed as rapidly as possible. 
Doubtless an all-wise God orders the seasons 
for the best, and I think it behooves man to 
accept gracefully what he can not alter. The 
comparison between the way in which Chris- 
tians and non-Christians take the same things 
is plainly seen by me now as I behold the lat- 
ter class in their every-day life. There is a 
vast difference between Christian and other 
homes; and the favor is for the former." 

"December 10th. — I am very much inter- 
ested in my theological reading, and by the 
time six months are gone, expect to have 
read all the books I brought, which will have 
greatly clarified my thoughts. If I dared, I 
could easily spend most of my time reading 
and writing, but I rigidly adhere to my orig- 



LONELINESS, CONFLICTS, VICTORY 1 29 

inal plan of confining it to certain hours. I 
think I am really accomplishing more this 
winter than for some years, and know I have 
greater restfulness of mind and body." 

January 24, 1897. — "By the Call I see Mr. 

S has new honor in being selected on the 

intercollegiate debate. At one time I felt that 
I would like to compete and try to distinguish 
myself thus; but now I feel that I am away 
behind and losing whatever gift of speech I 
may have had. Still I try to comfort myself 
by believing that all things will yet work for 
my good, whatever that may be. How much 
faith it does take ! I am sometimes tempted 
to consider my religious life a failure, but I 
successfully combat that. As I receive no 
religious help from any one here, and have no 
religious privileges, I feel their worth. Day 
succeeds day with the same duties, and there 
is nothing I find to do religiously to stimu- 
late life. However, I try to learn something 
each new day that may help in the future. 
Much of my -walk is by naked faith in naked 
promises; but God knows best. I have much 
9 



130 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

to try me here, and want to be close to the 
heart of Christ. I wish I had a casuist to 
run me about a year; for my mental struggles 
are very severe. I presume it is intended, 
however, that we should each fight our own 
battles and develop our own lives/' 

"January 27th. — Yesterday I spent a pleas- 
ant morning by myself. Sang hymns and read 
and got more encouragement and help from 
above than often when I have had more ad- 
vantages, seemingly, around me. I begin to 
see that we can be able to draw from our 
Source really and truly as well one place as 
another. I think I am learning more about 
true religion here where I have to depend 
upon God and study than ever I did before. 
. . . I am beginning to wonder if a change 
of life would n't do me good, at least worth 
the trial. That old nightmare is hard to 
fight off; viz., the desire to keep studying. I 
feel I am away behind my age in book lore, 
and must make the most of my time, or be 
in school until I am old. If I were ready for 
college, I would feel better; but at least two 



LONELINESS, CONFLICTS, VICTORY 131 

years would be required before entering col- 
lege, thus six years before ready for special 
preparation. With educational advantages, I 
feel I can make my mark; and so it seems 
hard to wait. This is my great trial; I can 
say, God knows best, but to believe it and 
rest peacefully is the rub. This is a constantly- 
recurring battle, and never a week goes by 
that I do n't have to fight it. It is the sever- 
est trial of my faith, and one I can not give 
its final quietus; for up it will bob." 

"February 7th. — I am spending more time 
in Bible-study. Spend half an hour in the 
morning on the history, and after luncheon 
the same on devotional, w r ith prayer." 

At this time he came to the conclusion it 
would be better for him to try the vicinity of 
Denver, and presents some of the reasons 
leading to that view. The letter was written 
from New Mexico the last of January, 1897 : 

"First, I need some social life, which I can 
not have in such a place as this. Second, I 
would be greatly helped in my spiritual life 
by religious means of grace and an oppor- 



132 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

tunity to engage in some field of work. 
Third, the variety a hustling city would 
give and the endless changes of scene would 
be of no small use as an educator, field for 
thought and occupation, and a chance to for- 
get my troubles. Fourth, a home-like Chris- 
tian home, where I could chore around and be 
generally useful (paying my board, of course), 
would give an ease and happiness I have not 
known in all my travels. If I could settle 
down in such a home and make it permanent, 
it is what I could get comfort out of. I know 
I would do vastly better than enduring the 
discomforts and rubs I have met. Fifth, I am 
now ready to settle down, thinking this Rocky 
Mountain region contains my fate. To set- 
tle down, one must have the elements that 
make it possible, and I do not see where they 
better combine than in a suburb of Denver. 
I have pretty nearly arrived at man's estate, 
according to the legal phrase, and I try to 
bear myself as a man should, turning down 
obstacles and pushing ahead; but I have so 
long deprived myself of everything for cli- 



LONELINESS, CONFLICTS, VICTORY 133 

mate that I fear I have done so as long as I 
can. There is such a hunger for the things 
I have mentioned that I can not stave it off 
much longer. Sometimes my heart seems 
ready to break of yearning, and my head to 
burst as I resolutely move on. Many 's the 
day in the last two years I could have longed 
for release from the struggle, but I banished 
the thought as a weak temptation and not 
worthy of a true Christian. Do you really 
wonder that I so long for a little enjoyment 
after such a long struggle? I have rarely 
said anything about how I appreciate the op- 
portunities you give me of testing the climate, 
etc., that many do not enjoy. I often thank 
God for my undeserved mercies and blessings, 
and ought to thank you, the mediums 
through which they flow in this line. I am 
never unmindful or ungrateful, but the oppo- 
site. I never will forget, if I live a hundred 
years, one incident that I often think of. Last 
spring, a year ago, when I was sick in Santa 

Cruz, and after Dr. B despaired of my 

life, papa and I were out riding one after- 



134 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

noon. We were talking, and with deepest 
emotion he said, if it were possible, he would 
gladly give up his life for me. The circum- 
stances, the sincerity, the feeling, so deeply 
impressed me. 'Greater love hath no man 
than this, that a man lay down his life for his 
friends/ I know this is the attitude both of 
you have had toward me, and I feel so 
ashamed that I am so unworthy of that love 
and have reciprocated it so poorly. My 
prayer is that we may be long spared to each 
other for mutual profit and help." 

"April 27th — Phoenix, Arizona. — 'Pushing 
to the Front' and Thomson's 'Educational 
Essays' are stimulating my moral fabric. 'I 
can and will' is the motto I again start under, 
and, God willing, I am going to make a de- 
termined, aggressive fight from now on 
against spiritual, moral, and physical enemies. 
My strength is weakness, but in our weakness 
is his strength revealed." 

"May 1st. — I received a very sad letter 

from Mrs. M , speaking of her deceased 

daughter. It is a sad blow to her, and she 



LONELINESS, CONFLICTS, VICTORY 135 

is crushed, seeming to feel the humanity of 
it without a corresponding degree of the Di- 
vine sympathy. That seems to be so natural 
while grief is fresh. Should God, in his provi- 
dence, call me in advance of you, I would like 
to impress you with the happy anticipations 
I expect to realize in heaven. With so much 
joy in store, why should we break our happi- 
ness by inordinate grief for those who have 
gained so much? There is so much evidence 
around me of frail mortality that I can but 
have my thoughts constantly above. I am 
ready to meet my Lord, and can look calmly 
beyond the veil, where is my mansion." 

"May 11, 1897. — Your letter was received 
yesterday morning. When you write Mrs. 

S , convey my best wishes, and tell her I 

appreciate her kind interest and good wishes. 
Someway it makes the loneliness here seem 
greater to know there are many elsewhere 
who would be glad to make life pleasant for me 
if they could. I have had a hard struggle with 
melancholy and despondent feelings this last 
week or so, and am not yet out of the woods, 



I36 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

though I am determined to keep them down. 
They are never killed, and are always ready to 
come up when they get a chance, but ordi- 
narily I am successful in keeping the best face 
out. Two things have started matters this 
time : bad symptoms in health and no success 
in getting into any work." 

"May 20th. — I have no unrest, practically 
speaking, though constantly wondering what 
next? I have long ceased to worry, but not 
to try every expedient I know. I am get- 
ting reconciled to delay, but it is trying each 
day, in a way." 

"May 31st. — Now, between you and me 
alone: It takes all the maneuvering I am ca- 
pable of to make time pass advantageously. I 
realize that I have several years more of it at 
least to spend. I am making the most vigor- 
ous fight I can, and feel encouraged to per- 
sist, but I honestly believe that the time has 
come for me to plan for a year or two, and 
not merely for a season. I need something 
that will enlist both mind and body. While 
I may seem changeable in my plans, it is due, 



LONELINESS, CONFLICTS, VICTORY 1 37 

not so much to inconstancy, I think, as to 
the exigencies of the situation in its relation 
to my health. Were it not for two things — 
the grace God gives me and the effect my 
failure to get health would have on our par- 
ents — I believe I would sink once in a great 
while under the weight that sometimes 
presses on me. I doubt whether one can know 
what that is till experienced. Well, to pleas- 
ant things. I am in the fight as strong as 
ever and fully as reasonably encouraged as 
ever. Now, can't you suggest something to 
help me? I need help and encouragement oc- 
casionally, but none can give it but those dear- 
est to me. I often think I write too much 
about myself; but, if it is so, it is only because 
of that desire to make things so plain that you 
can, in a measure, understand what otherwise, 
if present, you could see, and so advise intelli- 
gently. Were I one of 'the boys' to frequent 
the saloon, games, cards, etc., as most of them 
do, it would not be so difficult to find intimate 
companions, and so relieve my feelings in a 
way." 



138 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

"June 17th. — One thing I am certain of: 
that this year has brought great changes to 
me. I think I have made my religion prac- 
tical, and that there has been real growth in 
Christian virtues. I have been endeavoring 
to eradicate selfishness with a degree of suc- 
cess. The great growth has come in becom- 
ing thoughtful on these things. Having 
started, progress is sure; for my face is set 
right. I do not write thus boastfully, but in 
proof of the sincerity I can not otherwise 
show. My life has been such a checkered 
medley that, as I grow older, I am mortified 
at its memory. Even since I have professed 
better things I have often shamed myself and 
called into question my integrity. That I 
count as gone, and leave with Christ, having 
accepted his atonement — a work of grace. 
But how true it is that the results of sin and 
the memory follow fixed laws ! I trust I am 
sincere in all things; for I begin to hate hypoc- 
risy with a deadly hate. I would rather be 
humble and honest than otherwise." 

"August 7th — Las Cruces, New Mexico. — 



LONELINESS, CONFLICTS, VICTORY 1 39 

Continuing along the trend of your letter, I 
would add a few words. I know that what 
you say relative to prayer and Bible-reading 
is true. It is that feeling that makes me dis- 
satisfied with present attainments. I have to 
combat in my life the result of previously set- 
ting myself against religious truth and also 
the influences of former and present skepti- 
cism, which I find so rampant. Things which 
I know are positive facts occasionally arise 
in my mind w T ith questionings. Of course, I 
pay no attention to them, but still they are a 
source of trouble. If I could get to work in 
some way to help others, I think I would find 
my own religious experience growing and 
clarifying. What to do I do not know, but 
am praying over it and looking around. One 
of the ways I thought might assist me is to 
complete shorthand and learn telegraphy, 
which might open the way for me to get into 
some light work part of the day. I am anx- 
ious to be able to earn a living, if I have to, 
before I am ready for my life-work. My 
present idea is to push shorthand, and trust 



I40 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

to find dictation when ready for it. There are 
several telegraphers in town, and I think I 
could get acquainted with one and learn the 
business. I will not plan for over three hours 
a day, and that much in a well-ventilated in- 
terior will do me no harm. The feeling that 
I am doing something will make the other 
time pass better. What do you think of the 
idea? I believe more and more that the Lord 
is over and above all things, and that he per- 
mits nothing to happen to his own that will 
not eventually prove to have been for the best. 
Whether we get the best out of it is another 
proposition. During the past year I have be- 
come more submissive to the Divine will; 
especially the past few months have I cast my 
burdens on Him who is strong to deliver. It 
is so restful to be delivered from all anxiety." 
In the fall of 1897 he attended the New 
Mexico Mission Conference of the Methodist 
Episcopal Church, presided over by Bishop 
McCabe. A little later he wrote to the Cali- 
fornia Christian Advocate his impressions. 
Soon after he received a letter from one of 



LONELINESS, CONFLICTS, VICTORY 141 

the preachers of the Conference criticising his 
article. Part of his reply, written to the 
brother, with whom he had formed a very 
pleasant acquaintance, is as follows: 

"What is the matter with me? Why, really 
no one has remarked anything special. As 
far as I am a judge, I am in usual health and 
spirits. I did not even know I had on green 
goggles, and do not yet. To be serious, I 
am afraid my innocent little report of the New 
Mexico Mission Conference as I saw it has 
had more read into it than was written. If 
it is not as truthful a report of what occurred 
as should be and as space permitted, I stand 
ready to make corrections. As to the selec- 
tion of items, I am ready to stand by them. 
As to your being a 'poor lot of little fellows/ 
who intimated any such thing? You know 
it is not fair to hit a fellow for what he does 
not say, or even intimate. Brother, I have 
been fifteen months in New Mexico, have as- 
sociated with pastors and Church people, and 
have looked carefully into the religious sit- 
uation, and so do feel that my thoughts are 



I42 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

not so superficial as you would infer. I do 
feel that I am doing no injustice to any one 
when I express conclusions that come to me 
from the experience and knowledge I have 
acquired. Really, I have no animus to the 
work, but the greatest love; for I intend, some 
day, if I gain full health of body, to engage 
in Christian work. That I should report some 
of the criticisms made, does not mean that I 
indorse them, does it? If you think the 
bishops gain all their knowledge of their Con- 
ference after they arrive, you do not count 
several things: the bishops who have been 
there before and their general knowledge of 
the Church at large. Bishop McCabe, be- 
cause of his missionary experience, knew of 
New Mexico before. With slight modifica- 
tions, I indorse his general criticisms. Do 
you not know that a minor key pervaded most 
of the reports, which would strike a layman 
quicker than a preacher? I refer to the re- 
ports made at Conference. It was first this 
difficulty and then that one, with so few bright 
places that I really thought you brethren 



LONELINESS, CONFLICTS, VICCORY 1 43 

(some of you) thought you had the toughest 
field on earth. Go to Arizona and parts of 
California, and they have precisely the same 
indifference, transiency, etc. Now, what you 
call green goggles is only an absorption of 
that funereal gloom that I carried off. I in- 
tended, at the beginning of the Conference, 
to write a glowing article on the success of 
home mission work; but the session killed that 
feeling in me. 

"I am not through with you yet, and am 
looking for material for a real enthusiastic 
article. Please suggest a few thoughts I 
could elucidate. As to invalid preachers, I 
have sympathy for them; but I do agree with 
the bishop that such difficult work as this is 
can not be done by sick men. It is a physical 
impossibility, for the work wears out well men; 
at least, tires them. I do not believe any 
difficulty will be found in getting* well men 
who have consecration enough to come here. 
Why so, if missionaries for abroad to endure 
all kinds of privations are not lacking? I only 
speak of physical inability in the preacher, 



144 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

and not his family. The California Confer- 
ence once was so deluged with sick men that 
the members remonstrated. And why? Be- 
cause the work suffered. The work is of para- 
mount importance. Establish the fact that no 
well men will come, then I have my answer. 

"Personally, I have thrown myself into 
work at every place I have been. Have at- 
tended all the meetings I could, helped where 
I could, flown my colors in every breeze in 
church and out of it, so really can not be ac- 
cused of beiitg an indifferent outsider. My 
finger has been on both the ministerial and 
Church pulse. I wish I were an editor, for 
it must be pleasant to receive a few letters a 
week of mild criticism." 

"December 6th — Yuma, Arizona. — It is 
seven. Supper over, all work done, account 
balanced, and I sit in my cozy, warm room 
with the best feelings I have had for many 
long months. I speak now of mental feel- 
ings; for I am independent, and can do for 
myself anything I want without saying, 'By 
your leave/ Not that I rebel at any just re- 



LONELINESS, CONFLICTS, VICTORY 1 45 

straint, but my experience has been that any- 
thing out of a regular routine is very hard to 
secure when boarding and rooming, so that 
one soon learns to do without rather than ask 
what is considered a favor. Well, I am happy 
and contented in my two rooms. They are 
both cheerful. My faith is undaunted, and it 
has been a long time since I had any ques- 
tionings religiously. I have a calm, peaceful 
confidence that God's leadings are best, and 
if I do my duty all is well. Nothing alarms 
me any more. I am ready for anything, know- 
ing all is well with me. My Bible and medita- 
tions have been some neglected in the rush 
of late, but I am resuming again. Some day 
I hope that I shall so lean on them that I can 
not neglect them. Just now the accumula- 
tions of years seem crystallizing, and my 
knowledge begins to attain recognizable 
shape. Vagueness is giving way to definite- 
ness, and new power is generated in the 
change. Of course, I realize I am just begin- 
ning; but if the beginning of knowledge is so 

agreeable, what must the pursuit be? It gives 
10 



146 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

one a new sense of life when he can begin to 
think for himself, and to enter, in a degree, 
into the mature thoughts of others. I feel 
now as though I had stepped upon a higher 
plane of life. The germ having been discov- 
ered, I shall tend it carefully, doing all in my 
power to assist its development. What knowl- 
edge I now obtain will be of more use, be- 
cause more intelligent, and an education will 
not be so much enforced schooling as many, 
I know, consider it, but the gratification of 
an appetite for knowledge. This is the one 
great solace to me about losing years of 
schooling. I begin to see that all things are 
working together for my good." 

"January 24, 1898. — I never have thought 
of writing my religious experience for several 
reasons : First, so many older, steadier people 
can write theirs to better advantage; second, 
I am afraid some of it would seem cant to 
those I rub up against and who find me quite 
like themselves; third, I have not made such 
progress as to pose as a leader. My life is so 
imperfect, and the flaws make me anxious 



LONELINESS, CONFLICTS, VICTORY 1 47 

enough to magnify by words any Christian 
experience as little as possible, until my ac- 
tions are more in conformity. I have had so 
may rubs with doubts, and even now condemn 
myself for my lack of prayerful, studious 
habits of Christian life. As I have before 
written, my personal faith in the verities of 
religion is unshaken. It is in my relation to 
others, in wanting to teach them, that I feel 
so w r eak and lame and accomplish so little. 
I w T ill think the matter over, but hardly think 
I could do anything with it in the near future. 
I want to be conscientious, and do not want to 
appear one whit better than I am. . . . 
If I come home in May, that is not far off. 
Now, do not worry about me. I am not wor- 
ried, and I believe I will see the end of the 
century yet. At all events, will face towards 
duty. My courage is strong. I do not want 
to die, and do not have any presentiment of 
impending doom. I am planning the most 
vigorous onward push for health yet at- 
tempted, and it has already begun. If it is 
not a success, it will be because there is work 



148 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

for me beyond. What a family reunion we 
would have — the children and I ! The future 
has no terror for me. Thanks to Jesus, his 
blood is my sufficiency. I wish you would 
look upon the happy side — I do — and not 
on the earthly loss. For your and mama's 
sake I want to live; for my own, if I have not 
a work to do and strength to do it, I would 
not wish to be a living care for many years. 
Some way I feel that I must not die, and so 
my hope and courage never get entirely ex- 
tinguished/' 

"February 8th. — I have this hopeful feel- 
ing myself that I can surely tide over this 
winter. By good weather, if I can get hold 
of myself, I think that I can turn something 
up. I feel all played out now and as though 
I wanted a good rest, which will do more than 
anything else for me. While temporarily 
down, there is far too much reserve vitality 
in me to get despondent of the outcome. It 
is a question of a complete change now, with 
something to stimulate my low-burning ener- 
gies." 



LONELINESS, CONFLICTS, VICTORY 1 49 

"February 9th. — Have no worry about me; 
for my case is in the hands of an all-wise Fa- 
ther, who will do for me what is best. If my 
work is not completed here, nothing can in- 
jure me until it is. When it is done, nothing 
can keep me here. Our knowledge is so in- 
finitesimal that we are shut up to watching 
developments as indicative of God's will. 
Faith only can sustain us as we wait." 



CHAPTER IX 

Some Phases of Religious Expe- 
rience and Testimony 

' T is sorrow builds the shining ladder up, 
Whose golden rounds are our calamities, 
Whereon our firm feet planting, nearer God 
The spirit climbs, and hath its eyes unsealed. 

— James Russell Lowell. 

Will found by experience that writing his 
vows was a means of deepening the impres- 
sion of their significance, so he frequently thus 
professed his allegiance to Christ. Those here 
cited were written at the most crucial turning- 
points in his religious life : 

Consecration made at Santa Cruz, Cal., No- 
vember 4, 1894: 

"I do fully and unreservedly consecrate my 
life and all its possibilities to the service of 
my God and Master. After months of hesita- 
tion, filled with thought, I am certain that 
only a consecrated life is the one fraught with 



REJLIGIOUS EXPERIENCE 15I 

the most happiness. So I do now, Sunday 
evening, November 4, 1894, 10.45 o'clock, 
in the quiet of my room, surrender my all to 
thee, O God. Whether to live or die, thou 
knowest, and thy will be done in all things. 
The future is in thy hands, but the present 
is mine. Help me to do thy will hour by 
hour. Give me moral courage to confess thee 
before men. Above all things, help me to de- 
velop a symmetrical Christian character, that, 
being seen by those about me, may be a liv- 
ing demonstration of thy saving grace. I 
realize my insufficiency and utter unworthi- 
ness; but as thou hast promised, 'Him that 
cometh unto me, I will in no wise cast out/ 
I pray that thou wilt take me as I am. I be- 
lieve thou dost accept me. Work through me 
thy will. Give me thy Spirit to guide me into 
new fields. My case is in thy hands, and I 
have confidence in thee. Amen. 

"William Stockton Heacock." 

Consecration made in Santa Clara, CaL, 
June 14, 1896: 

"To-night, at nine o'clock, in my room, I 



152 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

have determined in my will and with God's 
help to be as nothing, save as I can honor 
God and those around me. As I look back, 
I seem to have lived a selfish and self-centered 
life. Without denying my previous experi- 
ence, it is very clear to me that there has al- 
ways been a lack of real self-crucifixion that 
has kept me from a permanent rest in God. 
Only in a few past weeks have I realized my 
duty, and after a long struggle against the 
old man of sin in me I can and do say, 'I will 
that I should holy be.' Christ made himself 
of no reputation; for thus could he be most 
useful. How much more necessary that I 
should do likewise ! 

"If we have many masters, we will fail. If, 
on the other hand, Christ is supreme, how 
great our power for the Christ life in us! 
'Not by might, nor by power, but my Spirit/ 
O, to be endued with the Spirit ! Lord, I am 
fully thine in purpose. Show me any hidden 
sin, and it must go. I feel my weakness. 
Lord, reveal thy strength ! Give me to know 
thee in thy fullness. Keep me humble. 



RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE 1 53 

Empty me of self. Grant thy grace through 
the process which must needs be humiliat- 
ing. For the joys set before me strengthen 
me to endure hardships to self. Away with 
the old! A new epoch is begun, and with 
God's grace I '11 be a man." 

Although from early childhood Will had a 
deep interest in the Church and was a regular 
and, at most times, an interested attendant, 
yet his deeper religious experience came about 
the time of leaving home in search of health. 
As a natural result of this, whatever occurred 
in the home Church was of particular inter- 
est to him. Especially did his heart yearn 
over the young people. Knowing the temp- 
tations to which they were exposed and the 
perilous ground over which they must travel, 
it was one of his chief concerns that they 
might learn all he knew of the richness of 
God's love and the power of his grace. In 
addition to making frequent inquiries as to 
their welfare, and sometimes sending kindly 
word to them, it was his custom to write, 
once a month, his testimony, to be read at 



154 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

the devotional meetings. These which are 
here introduced illustrate their general trend 
and character. The last few months of his life 
he was unable to attend public worship for 
fear of drafts or of annoying the worshipers 
with his cough; so his only formal testimony 
to the Church was by verbal or written mes- 
sages. Some of these latter testimonies as 
written by him are given in connection with 
those to the young people. 

"March, 1895 — Redlands, Cat. — To the 
Christian Endeavor Society, of Santa Cruz, 
Cal. : At the close of another month, as I look 
over the past, I have great reason to be thank- 
ful. My faith has been quickened, and I have 
been enabled to rest more securely in God's 
love. As I have been compelled to drop act- 
ive duties for the present, I have had much 
time for reflection. The thought that has 
been prominent in my mind has been, 'Have 
I been as active in soul-saving among those 
of my acquaintances as my opportunities and 
the eternal interests at stake demanded?' 
While I can see many opportunities have 



RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE 1 55 



* 



slipped by unimproved, I rejoice that since 
God gave me a clean heart some months ago, 
I have had an interest in the salvation of 
souls as never before. As I have used my 
influence and words for Christ in particular 
cases, I have been gratified to see that my 
efforts have been owned of God in awaken- 
ing interest in those whom I have tried to 
reach. As I have realized somewhat of the 
comfort of the religion of Christ and what it 
is to me in hope and health, I have become 
more deeply impressed with the obligations 
I am under to lead others to the source of 
my light. I am determined more fully than 
ever that my efforts shall be directed to do- 
ing what I can to bring those of my friends 
out of Christ to know him. If we all, who 
know Christ as a Savior, realized our oppor- 
tunities and obligations in this respect, I think 
we would have more happiness in his service." 
"June 30, 1895. — To the Christian En- 
deavor Society at Santa Cruz: I have much 
to be thankful for at the close of another 
month. With the psalmist, I exclaim, 'What 



156 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

shall I render unto the Lord for all his bene- 
fits towards me?' I desire to be, and am, 
wholly given up to Christ and ready to do 
anything I can to help those around me into 
a better life. I am trying to bring my life 
into conformity with my high calling in 
Christ. It is useless for us to try to help others 
into a deeper experience than our own. As 
Paul says in his Epistle to the Corinthians, 
'Ye are our epistles, . . . read and known 
of all men/ So to-day the world looks to the 
professed followers of Christ in order to see 
what there is in religion. This being the case, 
it behooves us to see to it that not only our 
lips, but our lives, are influenced by the Di- 
vine transforming power. The promises are 
to those that do the will of God — not to those 
who merely profess. My constant prayer to 
God is that I may know what is his will, and 
then have grace and strength to do it. I 
rejoice in a living, saving faith. My experi- 
ence in the Christian life is that with each 
step forward I see so much more ahead that 
I am anxious to keep attaining. I am very 



RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE 1 57 

much interested in the meetings now in prog- 
ress, and I am praying that a great revival 
may result. Particularly am I praying that 
during these meetings my young friends of 
our society may be led into the deeper expe- 
rience, where love, not law, is the controlling 
power in their Christian lives. Then service 
is a delight, and an abiding peace displaces 
fear and doubt." 

"Las Cruces, New Mexico, Oct. 11, 1897. 

"To the Pastor and Members of the Santa Clara Methodist 

Episcopal Church : 

"Dear Friends, — It is with great pleasure 
that I can respond in this manner, 'All 's well,' 
to my name. We sing with great gusto, 
'When the roll is called up yonder, I '11 be 
there/ If we are faithful down here, our re- 
sponse there will be clear and true. Review- 
ing my experience for the past year — for I 
have had one — I can truly praise God from a 
full heart for the way he has led me. The 
Savior is very near and dear to me, and I 
am learning, all too slowly, what a precious 
companion he is willing to be, if I will but 



158 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

let him have his way. This I am trying to do. 
My faith is broadening and expanding as I 
come to points where sight fails me. The 
faith I will not be satisfied short of is beauti- 
fully described in that grand old hymn, 'O 
for a faith that will not shrink F It is espe- 
cially as a burden-bearer that Christ has re- 
vealed himself to me this year. I have been 
enabled to leave all my anxieties and con- 
cerns with him with a sense of perfect ease 
and security. The calmness of mind since I 
have learned this great lesson has been won- 
derful. Then, too, it has deepened my con- 
fidence in our Lord and Savior; for the ex- 
perience is so real that it is a constant stimu- 
lus to me in other ways. I am hungering and 
thirsting after more righteousness. I have 
but begun to grow aright. There is so much 
pruning to be done that it requires all the 
help I can get; but my eye is fixed ahead, and 
nothing short of a pure heart, a correct life, 
and a useful one will satisfy me. Pray for me. 
"I am, in fraternal love, your brother, 

"Will S. Heacock." 



RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE 1 59 

"Yuma, Arizona, Dec. 26, 1897. 
"Dear Fellow-Leaguers of Santa Clara, — 
I would add my testimony to yours at roll- 
call New- Year's night. God's blessings have 
been numerous to me during the year, and 
no discordant note mars the harmony of 
praise my soul would gladly give utterance 
to. Victory over the fear of man and man's 
great enemy, death — over disappointment 
of many kinds, and a steady, indwelling 
peace, I would particularly enumerate. For 
the coming year I intend to try to profit as 
far as I can by the failures of 1897, and to 
put forth my best efforts to attain to a higher 
Christian life and the greatest activity pos- 
sible. To be, and then to do. There is a 
reality, a tangibility, in the genuine Christian 
life. I know it, and it is the great inspiration 
that gives color to my life. I would that a 
comprehension of the seriousness of life in 
its relation to all eternity would cause some 
one who hears this, and can not verify it in 
his own experience, to pause and ask, 'Am I 
prepared to meet my God?' A young man 



l6o A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

in fine health, wealthy, prominent in business 
and social circles in Yuma, without warning 
was seized with a hemorrhage a few days 
since, and passed beyond in a few minutes. 
These incidents of the uncertainty of life are 
not the preacher's property, but of every-day 
recurrence, if our experience is wide enough 
to observe. A false security in building on 
an unknown future is a sandy foundation on 
which too many of us place our soul's safety, 
I fear. Would that our Santa Clara League 
might receive the baptism of fire now and 
make this winter a veritable harvest-time 
among the many young people who know 
not Christ and his power to save. It is pos- 
sible, if it is desired; and if our religion is 
earnest and true, what should be desired more 
than to lead others to the fount of life? I r 
stand pledged to my best work in Yuma." 

The last public confession of his faith was 
written for the prayer-meeting. In it he said : 

" 'I know whom I have believed, and am 
persuaded that He is able to keep that which 
I have committed unto him against that day.' 



RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE l6l 

I realize the comfort and security that come 
from an unshaken faith in the atonement of 
Christ. Were my salvation dependent upon 
personal merit or virtues, I would stand ut- 
terly condemned; but since it is secured by 
the all-sufficient blood of Christ, I have no 
more doubt of forgiven sins than of present 
existence. It is a pleasure to testify to the 
help Christ has given me whenever I have 
gone to him — the Elder Brother, the Burden- 
bearer. I ask an interest in your prayers, that 
I may be faithful in living a consistent Chris- 
tian life. "Will S. Heacock." 

"May 5, 1898." 
11 



CHAPTER X 
Divine Healing 

Since all the varying scenes of time 

God's watchful eye surveys, 
O who so wise to choose our lot, 

Or to appoint our ways? 

Good, when he gives, supremely good, 

Nor less when he denies ; 
E'en crosses from his sovereign hand 

Are blessings in disguise. 

Why should we doubt a Father's love, 

So constant and so kind? 
To his unerring, gracious will 

Be every wish resigned. 

— James Hervey. 

Every thoughtful person who reads care- 
fully the Scriptures and keeps abreast with 
the opinions of the present day has his atten- 
tion more or less directed to the subject of 
Divine healing. The life of our Lord was 
so much devoted to relieving the physical con- 
ditions of the people, particularly in exercis- 
ing his Divine power to heal their diseases, 

162 



DIVINE HEALING 1 63 

that our privileges in reference to obtaining 
similar help for Divine healing to-day chal- 
lenges careful study. Then such a contro- 
versy has arisen concerning the teachings of 
the Bible and of the Master himself relating 
to it, that it is not to be wondered at that one 
whose soul has become thoroughly imbued 
with the Spirit of Jesus, and whose bodily 
condition demands every possible means for 
its recovery, should find himself deeply inter- 
ested to know the truth concerning it. 

How the writer came to consider the ques- 
tion, he tells in his introduction. Is not the 
method of private devotions to which he was 
led worthy of imitation? Is it not true that 
the mind is more active and resourceful in a 
prayerful attitude than otherwise? Did not 
Jesus find in those hours of secret prayer some 
of the highest altitudes of his own matchless 
life? 

"For some time I have, with some degree 
of success, set apart a few minutes after din- 
ner (noon) for prayer and meditation. I have 
found that when I kneel and pray, a drowsi- 



1 64 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

ness creeps over me, my thoughts wander, 
and there is danger of formalism in my words. 
It has occurred to me that I can better hold 
my faculties in control, and also secure more 
depth of thought and help by meditating and 
praying, pen in hand. This will rivet my at- 
tention to the devotion, and by trying to ex- 
press my thoughts, feelings, and desires, I 
think their impress will be more durable. My 
mind is not yet clear as to the best course to 
pursue in this period, but I will largely direct 
it in a strictly personal way; that is, study 
the bearing of whatever I may be considering 
as it concerns my personal life." 

Immediately following this entry in his 
journal is his discussion on the subject of 
Divine healing, being written on the four suc- 
ceeding days. 

"A subject much on my mind of late has 
been, 'What is the Bible attitude regarding 
present-day Divine healing?' I am handi- 
capped by having no Commentaries, and but 
the Oxford Concordance and Faucett's 
'Critical and Expository and Bible Cyclope- 



DIVINE HEALING 1 65 

dia.' So, confining myself to the English 
King James Version of the Bible, I will try 
to get the best I can on this subject for my 
own enlightenment. In the first place, I will 
look up examples of healing or refusals to 
heal in the Bible. 

"David's first child by Bathsheba died in 
spite of his fasting, prayer, and isolation seven 
days. It was a punishment upon David for 
giving the Lord's enemies cause to blaspheme. 
(2 Sam. xii.) 

"Hezekiah has fifteen years added to his 
life in answer to prayer; but he uses fig- 
poultices as a means. Three years later a 
son was born to him, he having previously 
been childless. This son, Manasseh, suc- 
ceeded his father on the throne, resumes the 
idolatry Hezekiah had abolished, and became 
so wicked that the Lord prophesied Judah's 
destruction because the people would follow 
Manasseh. (2 Kings, xx.) Did the answer 
to Hezekiah's prayer pay? 

"Coming down to the time of Christ, we 
find his ministry full of healings, all of which 



166 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

were considered miraculous. The apostles 
were sent out to exercise the same power on 
occasions. Paul exercised it but few times; 
but he had an infirmity himself — possibly de- 
fective vision — for he may never have fully 
recovered from his blindness at conversion. 
Three times he prayed for its removal. In- 
stead the Lord said, 'My grace is sufficient 
for thee, for my strength is made perfect in 
weakness.' Who can deny Paul's faith? Tim- 
othy was not well, and Paul advises wine for 
him, not mentioning any lack of faith in 
prayer as the reasons for his condition, (i 
Tim. v, 23.) Paul had to leave Trophimus at 
Miletum sick. (2 Tim. iv, 20.) Why? What 
do these citations show? That in the time of 
the apostles sickness prevailed, and in persons 
of such Christian prominence, that faith could 
not have been wanting and the Divine method 
forgotten, if it was for general practice. 

"In Hezekiah's case the Lord answered his 
prayer; but the results were such as to show 
how little fitted — because of our lack of om- 
niscience — we are to presume to order our 



DIVINE HEALING 1 67 

own ways. Prayers answered (in the way we 
expect) are not always as kind as those an- 
swered by withholding our requests. Because 
we do not receive what we ask for, is no in- 
dication a deaf ear is turned to our suppli- 
cations. 

"Often our earthly requests are not granted 
by those to whom we apply; but we receive 
a negative answer. So with our Heavenly 
Father. No real prayer is unheard. Every 
prayer is answered, but in such a way as our 
Father, in his infinite wisdom, sees fit. 

"James v, 14-16, is a principal base on 
which anti-medicine Divine healers rest their 
claim; though there are other passages. The 
elders of the Church are to pray, anoint with 
oil, and the Lord will raise the sick. There 
are so many points to be considered that it is 
difficult in this exercise to present them in 
logical order; so I shall not attempt to do so. 

"The elders are to pray, thus recognizing 
God's power; they are to anoint with oil, 
which in early days was about the extent of 
medical practice; then the Lord will answer 



168 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

the faithful prayer by recovering the sick — 
if it be his will, of course. 

"That there is so little miraculous healing 
nowadays is claimed to be due to the lack 
of healing faith. If this be true, may it not 
be possible that the faith for healing may be 
a special gift from God, not attainable by all 
invalids, for very good reasons? I believe 
that there are some of the saintliest sufferers 
now living, who lack not faith, yet are not 
healed. It is not due to unbelief in the Sa- 
vior's power, but rather, that they believe it is 
the Divine plan that they should suffer, for 
reasons that shall be hereafter made known, 
when the veil is removed. What else can the 
numerous references to suffering making per- 
fect and the chastening of the Lord being 
good for us, with which the Scriptures teem, 
mean, if we continue to suffer needlessly when 
healing is at hand? 

"I believe that when Adam fell, the curse 
entailed human suffering as a result of mor- 
tality, and that the provisions of redemption 
did not include freedom from the ills of the 



DIVINE HEALING 1 69 

flesh. Provision was made for the alleviation 
of suffering by the growing of medicinal herbs 
and medicinal qualities contained in minerals. 
Further, in Divine providence, men discov- 
ered these remedies, and, by giving their time 
to the study of hygiene and medicine, are 
gradually perfecting the science so that life 
is being preserved with great success. Now, 
to be reasonable, if man can believe in a Sa- 
vior and be conscious of salvation from sin 
by faith, why, if it is the same Divine will of 
the Lord that physical suffering should be in- 
variably cured by faith, is not that same faith 
prompted by the Holy Ghost (as in the former 
case, with the same invariable results) in the 
great body of faithful Christian sufferers? 
God is a God of truth, and can not lie; so if 
the body of Christian sufferers call in as true 
faith for healing as they do for salvation, and 
are not healed, is it not possible that we are 
putting a construction on the verses that is 
not intended in this day and generation for 
general use? No one verse in the Bible can 
be considered by itself, but must be taken in 



170 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

connection with other verses that bear on the 
subject. Let us, for a few moments, consider 
prayer as a whole. What is it? The soul's 
conversation with its God. God hears 
prayer; for in Holy Writ, time and time 
again, is the thought reiterated that prayer in 
Christ's name will be heard and answered. 
'And this is the confidence we have in him, 
that if we ask anything according to his will, 
he heareth us: and if we know that he hear 
us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have 
the petitions that we desired of him.' (1 John 
v, 14, 15.) How should acceptable prayer be 
offered? Let me quote from Jacob Abbott, 
in 'The Young Christian:' 'In prayer there 
must be a submissive spirit. We must be- 
lieve that God will do what is best, and so, 
many of our petitions will be denied for that 
reason. We must always remember, after sub- 
mitting our petitions to God, that the out- 
come, whether just what we wanted or not, 
is God's will' 

"This I believe to be the ordinary type 
of prayer. There are times, however, when 



DIVINE HEALING 171 

one agonizes in prayer and wrestles, as Jacob 
with the angel, because the Holy Ghost (I 
suppose) aids him specially, and so importu- 
nate does he become that it seems he almost 
compels the answer. Now, we can not all do 
that in all cases, nor would we; and it does 
not seem to me that God would make a gen- 
eral gift conditional on such terms. Our 
justification and sanctification are ever avail- 
able, and we have but to reach out in re- 
pentant faith to secure them. To the sincere 
seeker the mode is clearly shown, and the 
assurance always follows true acceptance. 
How different when we exercise faith for 
healing! We feel the Lord will do what is 
best; but we have no inward assurance that 
we will certainly be cured. Is this prayer of 
faith some mystical talisman that our blind- 
ness — for it is not perverse unbelief, as some 
declare — fails to see? Again I quote from 
the author already cited: 'By the prayer of 
faith is meant that prayer in which we come 
to God confident that he will do what, on the 
whole is for the best, not positive that he will 



172 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

do exactly what we ask. We must offer our 
petitions, trusting in God, believing, as the 
Bible expresses it, "That he is, and that he is 
a Rewarder of them that diligently seek him." 
But after we have offered our most earnest 
requests we must leave the matter with him. 
Our tendency is to outline a course that seems 
good to us, and then, because it is not fol- 
lowed by God, to infer our prayer is not 
heard. We have no authority on which to 
do this. We must always remember that God 
sees all our existence, while we see but the 
present moment, and so what he does is for 
the very best. Our confidence in God that 
he will do the best for us is our faith/ This 
is in effect the teaching of Dr. W. W. Paton 
in his Trayer and its Remarkable Answers.' 
He specially emphasizes what I have touched 
on about 'prayer being inspired by the Holy 
Ghost,' and a 'conviction in praying that the 
prayer will be answered.' God nowhere ab- 
dicates his throne to man. His prerogative 
is to govern; and he does. Provision was 
made from the beginning, so that prayer could 



DIVINE HEALING 1 73 

have power with him without interfering with 
the course of nature. So it implies no contra- 
diction or impossibilities. That we can in 
prayer demand anything arbitrarily from God, 
and always get it, has no Scriptural warrant. 
That would make us self-rulers, and bring 
order to chaos. So I think I have established 
the fact that bodily healing rests entirely with 
God, and can not be indiscriminately and 
positively claimed by all on fulfillment of cer- 
tain conditions, as can redemption from sin. 
It is a special gift; and the verses in James 
have limitations. 

"What do we learn from the light of gen- 
eral experience on the subject? We know 
that in the Old Testament times, and in the 
days of our Lord and his apostles, sickness 
was common. All the healing that was done 
was notoriously miraculous and so uncom- 
mon that this was one of the clearest attesta- 
tions to Divine power. The latest mention 
we have in the Bible of this, I think, is when 
Paul, on the island of Melita, a Rome-bound 
prisoner, performed some cures. Only on 



174 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

rare occasions in the apostles' later lives are 
healings mentioned. Hence we infer that the 
mission such events had to perform was about 
fulfilled. The Divinity of Christianity being 
vindicated, the authenticity of the messengers 
declared, and the Church well organized, the 
laws of health and sickness ordained by na- 
ture, resumed their accustomed orbit. 

"What is sickness? It is the penalty de- 
manded of the body for violation of physical 
law. It is no Divine infliction direct. It is 
an effect following a sure cause. Violation 
may be of ignorance, or we may suffer for 
others' physical misdoings; but somewhere, 
it will be found, some physiological law has 
been broken, the regularity of function dis- 
turbed, and the ensuing derangement devel- 
oped into some form of sickness. This is the 
logical sequence that must follow in the 
course of nature. A possible antidote having 
been provided by the science of medicine, 
what reason have we to expect, in every case, 
direct Divine interference any more than in 
any case of misfortune of any other kind? We 



DIVINE HEALING 1 75 

find God ordinarily works through second 
causes. Coming down through the centuries, 
we still find sickness and also increasing 
knowledge of the body, and how disease can 
be curtailed and often cured. Every age has 
had its saints. Sickness has not left them 
exempt. Scholarship, Christian virtue, and 
prayer have for centuries besought God for 
cure. In most cases the answer has been as 
to Paul, 'My grace is sufficient for thee; for 
my strength is made perfect in weakness.' 
'Suffer, be patient, learn with meekness what 
is within your reach, and hereafter ye shall 
know the wherefore of suffering.' The excep- 
tions — that is, the answers as desired — are in- 
disputable, and show us that God does an- 
swer prayer; but why, we know no more than 
why not, except that it is his will. The an- 
swers can by no means be taken as a founda- 
tion upon which to build an argument that 
all are as possible as the few, if certain condi- 
tions are present. There is a distinction that 
should be noticed between having absolute, 
genuine faith in God, and having faith that 



176 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

he will do so and so in a particular case. The 
former we can in a large measure develop in 
ourselves; the latter is from without, and no 
amount of claiming can be relied upon to 
bring it. 

"I do not doubt but there are occasions 
when importunate prayer, properly offered, 
does eventually bring the desired result. My 
conception of God is this in this respect. Like 
a true earthly father, he has the interest of his 
children at heart. He is as ready to give always 
what is best when they ask for it properly as 
the earthly father. That by no means is to 
be taken that the request is always granted. 
Often we ask amiss : the asked-for thing would 
be an injury. Again, we ask in a wrong spirit, 
and must learn humility. Now, since God is 
more wise and far-seeing than our earthly par- 
ents, and no less kind, why should we think 
he is not as ready to help us as they? and why 
think he would have us worry along, always 
unsettled as to whether he will answer cer- 
tain prayers? That God does not raise more 
sick people directly is, I think, because that 



DIVINE HEALING 177 

is his will, and the fault positively does not 
rest on any ground of unbelief. Tens of thou- 
sands are yearly raised to health by using 
agencies common sense suggests and praying 
for a Father's blessing on them; and though 
such are not considered by many as answers 
to prayer, who can say they are not? Dr. 
Buckley concisely puts the case thus: 'The 
Christian doctrine relating to faith and heal- 
ing is this: For what thou dost wish, work 
with all thy strength and pray with all thy 
faith. If God sendeth thee success, give him 
the glory. If disappointment be allotted thee, 
give God the glory for the faith which trusts 
him when thou canst not trace him. Should 
he inspire thee with special gifts of prayer, 
and thy soul should feel the answer sure, pre- 
sume not thereon ; rather testify to thy general 
faith in God than to that which only thou 
couldst know and they who are without such 
gifts can not receive. In all thy prayers for 
physical relief make thy Savior's prayer in the 
garden thy model, saying, "Father, if it be 
possible, let this pass from me; nevertheless, 
12 



178 A MODERN KNIGHT OF 1 HE CROSS 

not as I will, but as thou wilt." Then will all 
thy prayers be answered, and faith and hope 
be perfect in love. If otherwise, God sooner 
or later will seem to desert thee, thy testimony 
will fail, and they that hear thee will say, 
"What pre-eminence hath faith over sight I" 

"It seems to me that if one gets the idea 
that every one can be healed by prayer, and 
their own faith takes the form of continual 
demand, and their prayer is not answered as 
they ask, eventually it must unsettle their 
foundations and shipwreck their faith; for if 
they are doing all they can — and God, being 
reasonable, promises nothing impossible — 
why are they not answered? I think the tak- 
ing of the verses in James literally and sepa- 
rately is capable of causing much mental suf- 
fering, together with spiritual agony and loss, 
if it is not more carefully qualified than is often 
the case. 

"God studies the heart; so a lip faith de- 
ceives him not — unless we actually realize the 
faith, it does not exist — and in what must be 



DIVINE HEALING 1 79 

a specially inspired faith, how can one sin if 
he has it not, or be liable to any just condem- 
nation? There are a few things we can not 
create, much as we would like; but possibly 
there are indirect methods of inducing them, 
though, as man is accountable for only what 
he knows or can know, he commits no willful 
sin if, through ignorance, he fails. 

"To sum up this rambling presentation of 
my views, I will state my feelings personally. 
I believe in God, in his omnipotence; that all 
things are possible to him. I believe a whole 
Bible, but not in the interpretation of isolated 
texts wrested from their evident connected 
context. I believe every well-authenticated 
cure of sickness I hear, and admit God's hand. 
I believe God could as easily cure sickness as 
sin, and as instantaneously, if he saw fit. I 
do not think it established either in the Bible 
or experience that certain physical cure is 
promised on following any certain conditions. 
If it were, in justice that conviction should be 
in man's heart when he earnestly seeks the 



l8o A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

truth, as surely as is the way to salvation when 
one earnestly seeks for a cure for sin. It is 
our privilege to pray for anything, and God 
will hear and answer. I believe God usually 
answers by giving us judgment in ordering 
our steps, blesses legitimate means, and per- 
haps by working over and above them, or giv- 
ing them unusual efficacy. To some he gives 
special gifts of prayer, and for such we can 
ask submissively. I frequently pray for God 
to overrule my sickness for the best and help 
me to neglect no possible means for recovery. 
If prayer is to be the agency, and he wants 
my recovery, can he not as easily impress that 
on my mind (always receptive, I hope) as 
other things that he does? Most certainly, yes. 
So I honestly believe in following the dictates 
of my judgment and common sense, which are 
fully consecrated; and in doing everything 
for myself I can, and leaving all definitely and 
repeatedly with God, I am fully meeting every 
Divine requirement, and his will must be ac- 
complished concerning me. This life is not 



DIVINE HEALING l8l 

all there is of activity, but only the threshold. 
How can we judge whether we are most 
needed here or yonder, save as he indicates? 
Should we not trust him to do what is best? 
To me it indicates a higher type of faith and 
rest in God to say: 'Lord, take me. Do for 
me or to me what is best. I trust thee, and 
would not presume to direct my life; and so 
I bless the hand that takes as well as gives, 
knowing that "no good thing will he withhold 
from them that walk uprightly." So, Father, 
make me as clay in thy hands, and I shall be 
satisfied.' A higher type of faith, I say, to 
say and live this than to always be advising 
God on this or that point and really teasing 
him, if the expression be allowed. An illus- 
trative legend to the point: A monk planted 
an olive-seed. He prayed, 'Father, germinate 
the seed.' As the sprout appeared, he prayed 
for sun, then for rain, thus directing the tree's 
growth. But he did not know what to ask 
to be stayed, and a frost came and killed 
the tender tree. A brother monk planted his 



1 82 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

seed. 'Father/ he prayed, 'be kind to this 
seed/ and left it. The seed, under a Master's 
guiding hand, attained maturity. 

"We are safer in our Father's absolute care, 
I believe, than when we would require this 
or that insistently. If I did not think God 
was doing the best for me always, without 
my running to remind him of his duty, my 
confidence would indeed be small. But my 
faith is anchored, and I can say, 'All is well 
in his hands.' 

* God nothing does, nor suffers to be done, 
But thou thyself wouldst do if thou couldst see 
The end of all events as well as He. ' 

"Our Father, through his prophet, says, 
'Come, let us reason together/ It does seem 
to me that any seeming general truth that is 
so obscure as to baffle centuries of most 
thoughtful truth-seekers, without being any- 
where near generally accepted, can well be 
considered doubtful. On fundamental points 
the Bible speaks in no uncertain tone as to 
the main characteristics. Its mission is to in- 



DIVINE HEALING 1 83 

struct, not mystify. For reasons herein stated, 
I can not personally claim positively what I 
am by no means unwilling to or prejudiced 
against; and it is not because it would stag- 
ger my faith, but that my reading and thought 
and interpretation of the Scriptures convince 
me that the foundation for such a general 
faith is not well established or warranted by 
the facts in the case." 



CHAPTER XI 
Light on the Pathway 

Great truths are greatly won, not found by chance, 

Nor wafted on the breath of summer dream, 
But grasped in the great struggle of the soul, 

Hard buffeting with adverse wind and stream, 
And in the day of conflict, fear, and grief, 

When the strong hand of God, put forth in might, 
Plows up the subsoil of the stagnant heart, 

And brings the imprisoned truth-seed to the light. 
Wrung from the troubled spirit, in hard hours 

Of weakness, solitude, perchance of pain, 
Truth springs, like harvest from the well-plowed field, 

And the soul feels it has not wept in vain." 

— HORATIUS BONAR. 

In the spring of 1895, Will came home 
from a few months spent in Redlands, Cal. 
He seemed to have improved in health, but 
felt it would be better to be at home for the 
summer. On the return trip he contracted a 
severe cold, and may have overtaxed his 
strength, as the night before arriving at home, 
in Santa Cruz, he was seized with hemor- 
rhage, which continued for two days. 

184 



LIGHT ON THE PATHWAY 1 85 

This was followed by a long and serious 
illness. The physician despaired of recovery, 
as symptoms of breaking down were manifest. 
Improvement was slow and the outcome un- 
certain. 

While convalescing, he replied to a letter 
from his cousin, who had made some inquiries 
about the Christian life. As he was intently 
writing, his mother said to him, "What are 
you writing, and why weary yourself ?" He 
said: "Mama, I had a letter from Cousin 
M , and she is seeking light in her relig- 
ious life. I feel I must write her at once some 
of my experience. It may help her." The 
letter which follows is the one written at that 
time: 

"Santa Cruz, Cal., May 18, 1895. 

"The importance of living a Christian life 
has been so pressed upon me in the past few 
months that I have been trying to lead oth- 
ers into the way that has proved such a happy 
one for me. I do pray that my weak words 
may help you out into the light that I feel 



1 86 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

you are sincerely seeking. To one who a 
month ago was active and with bright pros- 
pects, the change has been a hard one. Yet 
I have tried to take all that comes for the best 
and with patience. 

"Just when I felt life to be a grand field 
for usefulness, and when I had really begun 
to live with a purpose, to be stricken down 
has been a sore trial to my faith; but I rejoice 
that I have gained the victory, and can now 
feel that God is good and does for us what is 
best. I do not know how near' I am to eter- 
nity; but as far as earthly help goes, there is 
little I can expect. Seven months ago I 
placed myself in the hands of God uncondi- 
tionally, and since then I have lived as con- 
sistent a life as I knew how, so I feel perfectly 
safe to go if God sees fit to call me. While 
I am prepared to go, I have such a desire to 
stay and carry out my plans of Christian act- 
ivity. 

"So the matter stands. My prayer is, 'Thy 
will be done/ I hardly know how to help you, 
but will do the best I can to tell you how I 



LIGHT ON THE PATHWAY 1 87 

came into the light. The best single aids I 
found were the Bible and the 'Christian's Se- 
cret of a Happy Life.' The latter book is so 
clear that if you follow its directions you can 
not fail to get needed help. It is reasonable, 
and you can feel your way clear on all points. 
"Now, in the first place, in my experience I 
gained my most signal triumph when I fully de- 
cided in myself that I was really so in earnest 
for religion that I was willing to do anything 
to get it. My principal impediment was my 
will. Yes, I had often desired to be a Christian, 
but usually I made some internal reservation. 
Now, the Spirit of God can not work in us 
until we are fully given up to him. We must 
come to Christ, resolved to serve him, and 
him only. Lack of this resolution, I believe, 
is the cause of much failure in the Christian 
life. We want to serve God in a general way, 
reserving the right to decide some things for 
ourselves. I found that when I got to the 
point where I really felt and said, 'Yes, I will 
do anything for Christ, regardless of self,' I 
was on the right road to find Christian happi- 



1 88 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

ness. When I settled in my mind that I 
wanted, above everything else, to be a Chris- 
tian, I decided to make a business proposition 
of it. So I sat down and thoughtfully wrote 
out a full consecration, dated and signed it, 
and then, on my knees, repeated it. [See 
Chapter IX, consecration made at Santa 
Cruz, California, November 4, 1894.] From 
this moment I date my genuine Christian life. 
I had no feeling except a relief that I had at 
last settled the matter, as far as my consecra- 
tion was concerned. Now I had complied 
with the Scriptural invitation, 'Come unto me, 
all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I 
will give you rest/ in that I had come to 
Christ. All that remained for me to do was 
to have faith that God, for Christ's sake, would 
receive me. I pinned my faith, which is sim- 
ple belief, steadfast and unwavering, in God 
and his promises to the promise, 'Him that 
cometh unto me I will in no wise cast out.' I 
had come penitent and full of my need to 
Christ. Having complied with the conditions 
required, I believed I was accepted. This 



LIGHT ON THE PATHWAY 1 89 

without feeling. Now, all that was left for 
me to do was to trust Him to whom I had 
given myself to guide and keep me. His way 
of guiding us is through the teachings of the 
Bible, our conscience, our better impulses, and 
influences about us. 

"As I started out on my Christian way, I 
laid down several rules: One to study the 
Bible; another to pray. Immediately I found 
things in my life inconsistent with my calling; 
so, with Divine help, I gave them up. A 
study of the Bible showed me duties, and 
these I endeavored to follow. While mak- 
ing these changes, I asked continually for 
help, and, although it came imperceptibly, it 
came, because I was enabled to do things I 
had often tried before sincerely to do in my 
own strength and failed. One of the principal 
Christian duties is confession, or testifying to 
others of our faith. While yet I had no feel- 
ing, except a desire to do right, I began to 
testify publicly, and in correspondence, of my 
faith in Christ and my determination to live 
a Christian life. As the days passed and I 



190 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

studied the Bible and prayed God to lead me 
into a right life, I began to feel a new strength 
and a growing interest in things religious. 
And so, inside of a month, by living up to 
my light and trusting and believing God's 
promises, I was conscious that I was saved. 
This consciousness grew on me, and although 
I have since been troubled on minor points, 
I have never doubted the reality of my sal- 
vation. 

"With this new power within (I can assure 
you that Christ dwelling in us is a power), I 
found religious things growing in interest and 
my better impulses coming to the front. My 
ideas of life were undergoing a change, and 
I found myself remodeling it. About six 
weeks from the time I started in this new way, 
an eight-day revival service, conducted by 
Evangelist Joseph Smith, was held in Red- 
lands. I was unable to attend the night serv- 
ices, but was a regular attendant at all day 
services. The object of the afternoon meet- 
ings was to lead Christians out into the ex- 
perience of sanctification. This is an experi- 



LIGHT ON THE PATHWAY 191 

ence where saved people, by renewed and 
complete consecration and enlarged faith, 
through the Holy Ghost, are released from the 
power of sin, as described in Romans vi. We 
know how it is that many Christian lives are 
continual conflicts w r ith sin indwelling: some- 
times up, then down. When by faith we are 
sanctified, or given clean hearts, we gain a 
victory over sin; and as long as we keep this 
blessing we are delivered from the power of 
sin. Now, I hardly feel I am making myself 
clear to you. Having had the benefit of un- 
usual religious training, these terms are all fa- 
miliar to me, but perhaps not so to you. If 
you have a Methodist Catechism and a dic- 
tionary handy, they will throw light on these 
technical terms. 

"I can explain a little: The Bible teaches 
two states possible to humanity. The first is 
justification, or consciousness of salvation; 
the second is sanctification, or a state of holi- 
ness. The first state is the one all persons 
must and do experience to be saved. The 
second is optional, but none the less obliga- 



192 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

tory, if we are seeking the highest Christian 
attainment. We know how it is that so many 
Christians who really have been converted are 
continually struggling with sin, and are often 
vanquished for the time being; and we also 
see serene, stable Christians, ever victors over 
sin. The difference is in the degree of expe- 
rience attained. Both of these experiences are 
in the reach of all, and are clearly outlined 
and authenticated in Scriptures; but so few, 
comparatively, attain the latter, because they 
are not willing to comply with the terms: 
All for Christ. Our humanity does so want 
to make provisions for the flesh and fleshly 
pursuits. Then again, we are so apt to limit 
God's power, and question his ability to keep 
us poor mortals from the power of sin. Sin 
is from the devil; and if we deny God's power 
to keep us from sin, we admit the superiority 
of Satan over God. Entire sanctification is 
nothing more nor less than God's giving us 
new hearts, which are not full of sin, with a 
tendency to sin, but the opposite: filled with 
his love as long as we keep them pure. With 



LIGHT ON THE PATHWAY 193 

his help we can gain continual victory over 
sin, until it becomes ineffectual. By carefully 
reading and studying on sanctification until 
I understood about it, I came to the conclu- 
sion that it was within reach. So I publicly 
sought it as an immediate work; but it was 
at home, alone in prayer, that I found it, a 
few hours after my public seeking at the altar. 
As I prayed, believing that God would give 
me a new heart (for unless we believe we do 
have our prayers answered, they are as idle 
words), I suddenly realized a feeling of great 
happiness, and I knew my prayer was then 
answered. I was so filled with joy that for 
an hour I poured forth my voice in songs; for 
I was alone and could disturb no one. From 
that time I was a new creature in Christ. 

"Things that before were a source of temp- 
tation became distasteful. From this time my 
tastes and desires underwent an actual change. 
Religion was no longer an effort or a restraint, 
but became my chief joy, and has continued 
so. Since this time, last December, I have 
been able to live a thoroughly consistent life. 
13 



194 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

My mind at this time led me to turn toward 
the ministry as a future work, and I then re- 
corded my determination to become a 
preacher if my life were spared. I have been 
unable to keep my experience to myself, and, 
although separated from my friends, I have 
by correspondence been trying to lead a few 
of my intimates into this happiness. From 
my experience I can assure you that religion 
is a fact; for I was skeptical enough to require 
a genuine experience to demonstrate that to 
me. I mean, I was previously skeptical; but 
when I resolved to find out what there is in 
a personal religion, I followed directions im- 
plicitly, for God will not show us anything if 
we harbor doubts. Since gaining my knowl- 
edge of a personal Savior, I have had no de- 
sire to turn to my former estate. Such has 
been my experience that I have enjoyed and 
testified to. Of course, I have been far from 
perfection these past months, and have made 
mistakes and omitted duties and the like; but 
when I have found myself thus, I have con- 
fessed my sins and been restored to my former 



LIGHT ON THE PATHWAY 1 95 

condition. 'If we confess our sins, he is faith- 
ful and just to forgive us our sins and to 
cleanse us from all unrighteousness/ 

"Now, I do n't want you to take it that 
my life has been an ecstasy of joy and emo- 
tional feeling since I came into my experience; 
for such has not been the case. I have had 
some ecstatic moments, but most of the time 
I have had to go along without feeling other 
than a calm peace that has assured me. When 
we look to God for guidance, I think, he works 
out his will in us by the commonest means. 
He works through ordinary circumstances, so 
that we do n't see his leadings, except in spe- 
cial cases. But he has promised to guide us, 
and we know that he does; so here is a place 
to exercise faith. When we give ourselves 
truly to him, and leave ourselves in his hands, 
he guides us every moment. By using our 
best common sense, a God-given gift, and do- 
ing the best we know, leaving the rest in faith 
to God, he carries out his will in us. That 
will is hard for us to bear often. When, for 
instance, we are cut down on the verge of 



196 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

usefulness, it takes faith, and lots of it, to rec- 
ognize God's hand. But we are assured 'that 
all things work together for good to them 
that love God;' so we must thankfully believe 
that he is doing best. ,, 

"May 22d. — Along this point, and others 
that are not perfectly clear to us, we find oc- 
casion to doubt. For two weeks after my ar- 
rival home, when I was taken down so seri- 
ously and so unexpectedly, I found it hard 
to find God's goodness in my affliction. But 
as I have considered and thought and medi- 
tated on his promises, the way has cleared up, 
and now I joyfully accept all that comes as 
best. 

"I will try to sum up clearly in a few 
thoughts that may aid you, taking my thread 
from your letter. Your great desire for peace 
in Christ and searching for it overcomes a 
principal obstacle. When we get in earnest 
about our soul's salvation, and try to find the 
way, if we persevere, success is absolutely 
guaranteed. I think perhaps your difficulty 
lies in not knowing how to obtain eternal life. 



LIGHT ON THE PATHWAY 1 97 

I think the book I previously recommended 
will outline so clearly that you may have no 
doubt. Bunyan's 'Pilgrim's Progress' is an- 
other book that has helped me, as I have been 
again reading it this week. It points out so 
many errors we may fall into unless we are 
guarded. I think a careful and prayerful study 
of these books, acting immediately on their 
suggestions, can not fail to bring you into 
clear light. Reading the Bible is vety neces- 
sary; for the books I have suggested are 
based upon it. The Psalms and New Testa- 
ment are particularly helpful. Matthew v, 
vi, vii; the whole of John, especially; Romans 
iii, iv, v, vi, viii, x; I Corinthians xiii; 2 Corin- 
thians v; Galatians iii; Ephesians, Hebrews, 
1 Peter i; 1 John, and Revelation xxii, have 
aided me much and thrown light on the way. 
If we are going to be intelligent Christians, 
we must gain our knowledge as all scholars 
do, by study. Regarding the 'change of 
heart' that is referred to in John iii, where 
Christ and Nicodemus talk, 'Ye must be born 
again/ means the new birth. That is Christ's 



198 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

work. In my letter I have dealt most with 
our part of the work. When we come to 
Christ in penitence, he accepts us, and we him 
by faith. Then, as we exert our faith and 
trust, when he finds we are in earnest, in his 
good time he will seal us in an unmistakable 
manner. 

"Yet we must remember he never works 
twice in the same manner. Sometimes people 
at their conversion experience this great work, 
while others plod steadily on for months with- 
out any witness. God does not promise spe- 
cial experiences, but he often gives them. 
Our religious life can not be gauged by our 
emotional experience. The trouble with us 
too often is that we measure our religious 
status by our feelings. God says, 'The just 
shall live by faith,' thus indicating the essen- 
tial of Christianity. To resolve what real re- 
ligion is into its simplest form, I should say 
this: We feel that we are naturally prone to 
do wrong, that we hope for a hereafter, and 
that a God, as taught in the Bible, appeals 
to us as a solution of our natural weakness. 



LIGHT ON THE PATHWAY 1 99 

Feeling our unworthiness and sinfulness, we 
come penitently confessing our sins, and be- 
come suppliants to God for pardon, pleading 
Christ's atonement. Now we have come to 
Christ, and here we are met by his promises 
of acceptance to all who come in sincerity to 
him. We must now believe that he accepts 
us, even against feeling. We now recognize 
a new administrator in our lives, and count 
ourselves his soldiers. We take his Word as 
real and to us, and by prayer make known our 
wants to him. 

"We now believe we are his; so we use our 
trust in depending on him to lead us. This 
he does through our best judgment, circum- 
stances, etc. We can now count ourselves as 
followers of Christ. As we find things sug- 
gested as wrong, we must drop them, trying 
to conform ourselves to Christ's life. As we 
find opportunities to do good, we must em- 
brace them. Having come thus far, as we 
keep looking to Christ for aid, we will begin 
to feel his help. It may come as a calm, quiet- 
ing influence, bringing peace, or in different 



200 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

ways; but if our faith is strong, we will in time 
have the witness. That must not worry us; 
for our salvation is not conditional on our feel- 
ings, but on our faith. Always remember that. 
In i John iii, 18-21, we are told how we can 
know whether we are right towards God. It 
is : 'My little children, let us not love in word, 
neither in tongue, but in deed and in truth. 
And hereby we know that we are of the truth, 
and shall assure our hearts before him. For 
if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than 
our heart, and knoweth all things. Beloved, 
if our heart condemn us not, then we have 
confidence towards God/ So after we have 
complied with the Bible conditions as I have 
spoken of them, when we get to where our 
hearts condemn us not, providing we have 
tender hearts, we can rest assured that we are 
saved. 

"When saved, we must live each day care- 
fully; for we can not get salvation enough at 
once to carry us through any period. Each 
day requires new help and also our best living 
to maintain what we have got and add a little 



LIGHT ON THE PATHWAY 201 

more to it. 'Progress' is the slogan of real 
religion. How can I advance my own spir- 
itual life and aid some one else materially or 
spiritually? is its constant inquiry. 

"When we get religion, we do not always 
get the path of roses. You know the Word 
says, 'Strait is the gate and narrow the way 
that leadeth to life, and few there be that 
find it.' Not that it is difficult, but because 
of the self-sacrifice it often brings. When one 
enters the Christian life, self and selfish im- 
pulses are renounced. Often we are brought 
into positions where things must be done that 
are opposed to self-interest, and there is no 
choice, if one is fully consecrated. 'If any 
man will be my disciple, let him deny himself 
and take up his cross and follow me.' Moral 
courage in backing up our religious stand is 
a necessity. 

"Now I have shown various phases of the 
subject, I will, for a moment, turn to the re- 
ward (i Timothy iv, 8) : 'Godliness is profitable 
unto all things, having promise of the life 
that now is and of that which is to come.' 



202 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

What more can we want? Happiness and 
usefulness in this life and a certainty of eternal 
life. No other system than Christianity as- 
sures this. In conclusion, we must never try 
to argue or reason away the supernatural in 
religion. We can understand somewhat of its 
mysteries, but more we must accept by faith. 
God's ways are too deep to be comprehended 
in their fullness by our finite understanding. 
Enough, however, is plain to make us certain 
of our standing. Since we do n't question 
these things, and have a yearning for their ful- 
fillment in us, let me counsel you to comply 
with the conditions I have indicated and trust 
God to show you the rest. Then, as you look 
into those helps I suggest, the way will unfold. 
When we are in the way we can see clearly 
things that from the outside seemed so vague. 
The Holy Spirit is the best instructor in things 
divine, and he promises to aid the inquiring 
mind. 

"In seeking light, let me advise you to go 
to those who have the closest walk with God. 
Those whose lives are consistent with their 



LIGHT ON THE PATHWAY 203 

profession, and who have been longest in the 
way actively, are most competent to give valu- 
able help. Just as in business, we count ex- 
perienced men's opinions of most value. I 
send you these well-meant, if feeble, words, 
hoping that, with the aid of the Spirit, they 
may help you. I think another common diffi- 
culty is that we want to know the whole way 
clearly in our minds before we take any step. 
This is a stumbling-block of no mean impor- 
tance; for it is a life work to clearly under- 
stand all religious points; and some we can 
never see until we make the venture. Pro- 
crastination is a serious mistake. 'Now is the 
accepted time; now is the day of salvation.' 
'To-day, if ye will hear his voice, harden not 
your heart.' We are sure only of the present, 
and that only instant by instant. 

"I believe all I have written because I know 
of its truth. May God help you to see the 
simplicity of the plan of salvation and accept 
fully all the conditions implied, that you may 
have peace of mind now and a hope of life 
eternal hereafter !" 



CHAPTER XII 

Final Triumph 

" He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white 
raiment ; and I will not blot out his name out of the book of life, 
but I will confess his name before my Father, and before his 
angels." — Rev. hi, 5. 

During the last days of suffering, Will 
verified in his experience the truth of this pas- 
sage of Scripture, "For whatsoever is born 
of God overcometh the world : and this is the 
victory that overcometh the world, even our 
faith." 

His years of self-denying struggle could 
have but one outcome : triumph over the last 
great enemy. "O death, where is thy sting? 
O grave, where is thy victory? But thanks be 
to God, which giveth us the victory." 

When it seemed no longer profitable for 

him to remain at Yuma, his plans were quite 

unsettled. At this time — early in February, 

1898 — his father went to see him, that they 

204 



FINAL TRIUMPH 205 

might counsel together as to the next change. 
Redlands, San Diego, Pasadena, and other 
points, were duly considered. During a brief 
stay at Redlands, he writes in his diary of 
February 14th: "Slept well until 1.30. Then 
got to thinking, weighing future. Decided 
to go home, as I need care, and the risk seems 
no more than here. Papa came in at 4.30 
A. M. I told him my thought. He had come 
to the same conclusion." 

As a result, the next day they were en route 
for Santa Clara. Coming through some of 
the most interesting parts of the country, he 
would stand on the platform of the car, gaz- 
ing with intense interest and admiration on 
what had charmed him on previous visits. 
Occasionally he would say, "I must take a 
good, long look at these; for it will be a long 
time before I shall see them again." Perfect 
rest now seemed to be his greatest need, and 
he was surprised that under such favorable 
circumstances the weariness did not leave him 
and that the power to read, write, think, and 
converse was so slow in coming back. Again 



2o6 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

and again his whole nature seemed massing 
its forces under the sway of his almost uncon- 
querable will for the expected improvement. 
His attention was much on what kinds of food 
would increase his strength and give the most 
vitality. 

A little over three months of life was ac- 
corded him, where no outside cares pressed 
upon his weakening body. After about a 
month of rest his mind again took up the 
study of the most favorable conditions for 
recovery. Even a tour of "roughing it" was 
planned as a final appeal to nature, and the 
strength of an iron will was summoned to 
master disease. He felt he could not meet 
the just requirements of the Creator if he 
should fail to use one single resource within 
his grasp. Not that fear moved him; for to 
this he was a stranger. But he could hardly 
understand how such convictions of a high 
and holy calling, together with such an in- 
tense desire and purpose, as he felt to meas- 
ure up to life's highest possibilities, could be 
realized and consistent with an early summons 



FINAL TRIUMPH 207 

to depart. This tested his faith to its utmost 
limit. 

Plans for doing many things on his arrival 
at home were not carried out for lack of 
strength. He still felt that the outcome of 
his struggle would be victory, and so hus- 
banded all his powers, that they might work 
under best conditions. 

Interest in the outside world did not dimin- 
ish; but a glow of enthusiasm kept pace with 
the ever-widening scope of vision. Naturally 
very fond of company, when weakness in- 
creased, he cared to see only his most inti- 
mate friends, the tax of others being more 
than he could bear. Sometimes for days he 
spoke but little even to the home folks, but 
said it was so good to know they were about, 
even if he did not say much. It was such a 
luxury just to be at home. In order to divert 
his mind from the constant pressure of serious 
thoughts, he read several books in which the 
humorous predominated. 

The spring was rather backward and cold, 
keeping him indoors more than was expected. 



208 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

This was the main reason for not undertaking 
another tour, especially to test the value of 
a trip by wagon with a genial companion. 
This had long been in his thought, but never 
put into practice. Often in conversation as 
to his religious state he would give some very 
positive and cheering utterance, such as: 
"While my emotions are not very much 
stirred and I do not keep up to my standard 
as I would like, I have no more doubt of my 
acceptance with God than of my existence. I 
am safe, whatever may come, and you need 
never worry about me." 

He was studying the itinerant system of 
the ministry with profound interest, believing 
it to be of God, but that it needed careful ad- 
ministration. The modifications going on in 
the usages of the Church on this point called 
forth some solicitude. But with it all there 
was no pessimism, though his bodily weak- 
ness caused depression, which was warded off 
by strong faith in God and a large intelligence 
on the subject. 

Several times during these months the fu- 



FINAL TRIUMPH 209 

ture of his parents was a subject of earnest 
thought and conversation. While not men- 
tioning it, yet it was manifest he realized how 
lonely his absence would make them. Many 
very wise and helpful suggestions were 
brought out in these hours of close heart-to- 
heart converse. 

One evening, within a month of his depar- 
ture, he had a strange feeling of faintness, and 
for the first time was apprehensive his end 
was near. While very desirous to know and 
do what was best, he was not excited, but 
calm and resigned. 

His bedroom was upstairs, and for several 
nights he would lean on his father to support 
him in going up. Resting at the top, he 
would express gratitude for another safe ar- 
rival. Having been accustomed for so long 
to care for himself, he would allow no one to 
do for him anything he could possibly do for 
himself. Everything for the night would be 
adjusted with exquisite exactness and care, 
providing for any emergency. He often 
chided himself for being so lazy, as he would 
14 



2IO A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

call it, when it was pure weakness. Fre- 
quently in his diary he mentioned how worth- 
less he seemed, and hoped soon to be able to 
do something for himself in the world. Such 
entries as these occur at this time : 

"Broken night's rest. This afternoon lay 
around. Bed at 10.30; for papa and I had a 
long talk over what is best to do. Seems best 
to stay at home and readjust things so I can 
do so with benefit/' 

"The doctor put me on a boiled-milk diet, 
beginning at noon. Began using a little stimu- 
lant this evening, as strength is low." 

"March 25th. — Eyes were rebellious to- 
day; so I did nothing but lie around and doze." 

"April 4th. — Lay around all day. Read in 
Fletcher's 'Life.' " 

He spent a few days up at Skyland, on the 
Santa Cruz Mountains, at a sanitarium; but 
the intense heat drove him home. 

"April 10th — Skyland, near Santa Cruz. — 
Have had an easy afternoon. Mind in a stu- 
por, and did no reading or thinking to amount 
to anything to-day. My mind is clear and at 



FINAL TRIUMPH 211 

ease, and I feel no anxiety regarding the fu- 
ture. While not feeling deeply religious, there 
is a calm quiet that makes me sure the anchor 
is on hard bottom. My hope is in Christ's 
atoning blood. When I read Fletcher's 'Life,' 
and see how he agonized lest he fail to be 
saved, it makes me feel that there is too much 
self-sufficiency in my experience and not suffi- 
cient depth. I pray God to keep me from any 
false conceit. Truly a quiet Easter." 

From there he wrote his sister: "April 
10th. — Pray, hope, wait, is all we can do. I 
do so enjoy the mountains! Though I do 
not walk much, except in the yard, yet from 
where I sit I have such a changing panorama. 
There is an inspiration in it that one does 
not get from lower levels. . . . Am glad 
you can be busy; for it is so much better for 
you than it is to be around us invalids. We 
miss you; but I am afraid we would pull you 
down more than you could build us up. Am 
building all sorts of air-castles for summer, 
and hope all will not be blown over." 

The heat of the mountains being intense, 



212 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

and no improvement coming from the change, 
he returned home in about two weeks. 

" April 10, 1898 — Santa Cruz Mountains. — 
I do love these mountains ! They are so rest- 
ful. Just to sit and look at them is an inspi- 
ration. Weather is real summery. Heavy 
fog at Santa Cruz, but not a bit here. Air 
heavy and hazy down there, while up here it 
is balmy and pleasant. The Lord keeps me 
in peace and quiet; and as I get more rested 
I can look at his providences and dealings 
more rationally. How kind he is, and how 
glorious the hope he inspires in us for this 
life and the one to come! I never have so 
completely given myself over to rest as now, 
and I really enjoy the relief it brings tired 
nature/' 

"April 15th — Santa Clara. — Glad to be 
comfortable and at home again." 

"April 22d. — Would that I were stronger, 
that I might be up and doing more ! It seems 
like waste to rest the way I do; but I seem 
shut up to it." 

"April 27th. — Had planned to go to Santa 



FINAL TRIUMPH 213 

Cruz and see Dr. B . Felt very weak, and 

after talking it over with papa thought it best 
not to go." 

On the 29th: "Woke at n last night, and 
till 3.30 did not sleep a wink. Then called 
papa. He read to me, but in vain; so at 4, pa 
put out the light, and I got a doze before 6. 

Mrs. O called, but I was too tired to 

go out riding. Doctor came and changed 
medicine. Afternoon, up in room, but seemed 
low-spirited, as though w T ere near death. 
Prayed and got relief. Papa and I had a good 
talk this evening. I am going to get nearer 
to God with his help, and work earnestly for 
him. I realize that I am fighting against 
strong odds; but, God helping me, I'll fight 
to the last, with my eyes wide open." 

"May 5th. — Wish I could get mind off of 
self. Will make it a subject of prayer; for I 
know it would be better." 

"May 9th. — Do not understand new symp- 
toms. Have no anxiety, only am restless at 
not being able to do more for myself." 

"May 10th. — Still indisposed to much ex- 



214 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

ercise. Spent a very quiet day. Swelling in 
limbs and knees increasing. Read consider- 
able to-day, but inaction made me sleepy and 
dull. This dropsy I do not understand the 
significance of. Have no anxiety, only am 
restless at not being able to do more for 
myself." 

"May nth. — Had quite a talk with papa 
this afternoon as to how to make the most of 
everything. It was profitable." 

In a letter to his sister, under date of May 
12th, he writes: "Personally, I move along 
hopefully from day to day. My worst trouble 
is weakness. I have had to give up to my 
comparative helplessness, but live in hopes 
that, with more favorable weather and sur- 
roundings, I will regain a measure of health. 
Must close now, for I have been active enough 
for one day. We will keep you posted on 
everything, so do not worry; all is safe with 
the dear Jesus, to whose care you so lovingly 
commended me when you went away." 

A week later. May 19th: "We count your 
remaining weeks as they glide by, and July 



FINAL TRIUMPH 215 

1st is not so far away. Don't try to come 
down Memorial Day unless you really think 
best, for the trip is a hard one for such a short 
time, and you can recreate better up there. 
By two weeks, with less foggy weather, I hope 
to report myself much better. I am in this 
race for a fight, and, unless unforeseen things 
occur, there is considerable of it remaining in 
me. I must journalize and quiet down before 
bedtime, so must close. Will write soon 
again. Getting at writing is really the hardest 
part. Lack of energy is my great enemy now 
that I have to fight. Be good to yourself, and 
keep happy." 

"May 226.. — Spent morning in the tent, as 
I found it real pleasant. Read in a very help- 
ful book on the Holy Spirit, that papa had 
brought from the city some time ago." 

"May 27th. — I accomplish so little these 
days. The time glides away while I am get- 
ting ready to begin to do a thing." 

"May 30th. — The doctor called. We had 
a very free talk, and from him I gained that 
my case is beyond medical aid, save to gain 



2l6 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

relief by palliatives. Am glad I know the 
truth, and am not cast down; for, with favor- 
ing Providence, my days may be numerous 
yet. Certain it is that I will live until my 
work is done, and one has no desire to live 
longer. My anchor holds to Christ Jesus as 
my Savior." 

The last entry in his diary, in pencil: 
"June ioth. — In interval since last writing' 
have weakened very much. Moved down- 
stairs Wednesday into a single bed in sitting- 
room, thus avoiding climbing stairs, which I 
found too difficult and tiresome. It also 
facilitates nursing, and keeps me in touch with 
family life. I get up part of the day. Am re- 
signed to the inevitable, and have my faith 
grounded in Christ; so the future has no ter- 
ror, though one naturally looks forward with 
great interest to the comparatively unknown. 

Expect Ly [his sister] down to-morrow 

for visit of a day or two at my request. Will 
write as strength permits. Am endeavoring 
to get my things in shape, a job not very hard, 
but one my languor has long deferred." 



FINAL TRIUMPH 217 

Extracts from some letters to friends writ- 
ten by dictation, at his request, after too weak 
to write himself: 

"June 19th. — It pays to have a good grip 
on religion in such times as I am now passing 
through. There seems but little between me 
and the end, for my strength is about gone. 
I have done all I can, so feel satisfied. Of 
course, while all naturally prefer living out 
our threescore and ten, it is not always given 
us so to do. My faith in the future and the 
personal Savior is such that I face the in- 
evitable unfalteringly. I trust that you, too, 
know the comfort there is in such assurance." 

As the days went by, the relaxing of hold on 
life was gradual, and not without a feeling of 
regret at the disabilities which he could hardly 
understand were the omens of decaying 
physical powers and the natural outcome of 
disease. The industrious habits of life had be- 
come so fixed that they gave way with marked 
reluctance. At his request, the holy com- 
munion was administered a few days before 
the close. A few friends gathered with the 



218 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

family, while his father conducted the service. 
Though weak, he devoutly partook of the 
sacred elements, and was refreshed in spirit. 
Memory of the Lord's sufferings, blended with 
the promise of his coming and the hope of 
reunion with loved ones, added sweetness to 
the sacred moments. A few days more, and 
he was with Him whom, though he had not 
seen, he loved, and in whom he rejoiced with 
joy unspeakable and full of glory. 

His last night on earth was a peculiarly fit- 
ting one. It had been the habit of his father 
to watch with him the first portion, and others 
the latter. He slept pretty well until about 
three in the morning. Then, awaking and 
taking some food, and having a bath, he said 
he was feeling so much better. He said he 
thought he would rally and last for some 
weeks, and it might be as well for his sister, 
who had come to stay with him for a few days, 
to go back to her work, and come later on, 
as he would probably need her worse then. 
His mother had just come downstairs to take 
her place as watcher. His mind was unusually 



FINAL TRIUMPH 219 

clear and bright. He seemed almost inspired. 
The conversation of the hour that followed 
was an inspiration. He gave wise counsel to 
his parents for their future course, talked 
with the utmost freedom of his prospects, and 
said he should soon be at home. With start- 
ling suggestiveness, he asked what messages 
they had to send. The very gates of heaven 
seemed opening, and he seemed to breathe 
the air of that lovely country. The memory of 
that hour is ineffaceable. After daylight he 
rested a little, but ate no breakfast. About 
eight o'clock his eyes seemed to look into 
futurity, and not again did they observe any 
earthly thing, nor did another word escape 
his lips except, as his father said to him, "Are 
you trusting Jesus now?" To which he said, 
in clear tones, "O yes, perfectly." 

These were his last words, and by noon, 
June 23, 1898, the spirit had gone. With calm 
composure and accustomed thoughtfulness, 
he had made all final arrangements about his 
funeral. It was his express wish that every- 
thing connected with it should be simple, and 



220 A MODERN KNIGHT OF THE CROSS 

that no eulogy should be pronounced. He de- 
sired, also, that Dr. F. F. Jewell, a dear friend 
of the family, should officiate. 

The services were held in the Santa Clara 
Methodist Episcopal Church on the morning 
of June 25th. Dr. Jewell spoke from the text, 
"And entering into the sepulcher, they saw a 
young man sitting on the right side, clothed 
in a long, white garment," the theme being 
"The Power and Possibilities of Young Man- 
hood." 

His body rests in the beautiful Mountain 
View Cemetery, Oakland, awaiting the glo- 
rious transformation of the resurrection morn. 



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